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A year to remember…

Dear Reader,

This will be a year to surely remember. Although is not quite over yet, I have a load of memories that I will cherish for years to come.  This year I have seen people come and go, and in the world of my dreams have had some really messed up ones out of left field, but far more beautiful ones.

All in all I’m very peaceful. I finally got to work on a blanket I started years ago. I had no idea what to do with it, then my mom suggested I keep it around to keep adding to it as time goes on.  I’ve always said, great minds think alike, well not so far back I got a similar suggestion, so having two confirmations I think the blanket will stay, maybe every time I reach a goal, I will add another line or two. As far as how it will look in a few years, I”m sure Nolan’s claws will have something to do with it, but that dude is so adorable I cannot be mad if it looks like a crazy mess.

In the mean time here is hoping the remainder of the year is as wonderful as the past few months have been.

Joy to the world indeed!

Skype Joy…

Dear Reader,

For the past week, a friend of mine from Mexico, Rudy, has been telling me he would be on Skype, that I should log in, and then we can live chat. Being he, the only MJ fan I know that I can talk to and have fun with sharing stories of MJ’s music news stories and such. I looked forward to it, that and he was going to tell me all about his new boyfriend.

So there I am like a good girl, logged in on Facebook, Skype and Yahoo, from the moment I was awake til I went to bed, which like I put it is pretty much London time. I’m weird like that.  Then I saw a blast from the very recent past log in, and I smiled, because I though right then, “All is well”. I’m not rude or anything, I would have said hello, but I have not exactly heard a reply to any emails I sent a while back, and I don’t know what the social convention is, but I’m pretty sure that is a passive way to say, “Don’t bother me”.

It happened so for 3 nights, and I thought, of how odd it was. I have not logged in to Skype in almost a year maybe more, and the very night I do, There is a person I still consider Martin Status Best Friend. I send good thoughts, smiled and continued reading, building my puzzles or watching “Burn Notice”. A few moments, during the day I thought of Martin, and what it would be like now had he lived to be as old as me. I fancied what it would have been like had he started using email. My guess is, he would have had a blast with Google Image Search, finding the scariest images to try to make me jump off my seat. For some reason scaring the daylights out of me, was always a source of the greatest fun for him.  It was always in good fun though, never cruel, the times he tried scaring me in school were awesome we always ended up laughing afterward. Often times I see videos like Michael Jackson’s Ghosts and think, he would have had a blast with it, because it had good special effects, talking parts and music, he often said, he could moonwalk in his chair just like MJ.

Like my mother told me when he died more than 13 years ago. “Don’t be sad that he is gone, be happy that you got to know him”. I gotta say, she is right. Still, sometimes I do miss his smile, and the way he always made the best of even the worst situation,  Or the look on his face when I ate super hot sauce with my lunch, he looked at me like he was waiting for me to explode.

As for Rudy he has yet, to log in. It’s all good, I don’t think he likes Skype much anyway, still, Skype did make me smile, so win win situation.Until my next post remember, it may not always be an easy thing to be happy, but it sure is the most fun of all of them.

Words of my mother….

Dear Reader,

I have always known my mother is a very wise person. Yesterday, long after I gotten home from my walk, she IMs me to ask me, “Clao,clao CC, are you okay? Is something bugging you? You wanna talk about it?” Of course it shocked me a bit, she usually just calls and very subtle like works out my troubles. So I call her and asked why the message. She said, “Here I was, focusing on my day and the things I have to do, and you just kept popping up in my head so I figured something was not right, wanna talk about it”?

So of course, I told her about how a recent conversation went the good and the bad of the things that I said, and the not so joyful ones I learned, and was told. She sat there silent for a good ten minutes: Then she said, since it takes you a while to let it sink in, turn on your sound recorder and listen carefully to what I’m about to tell you:

“Just because you never have anything nice to say where a girl you don’t know is concerned, does not mean you are wrong. You have not been wrong yet, you know people far better than anyone I know.

Good qualities on people are like the words, “I love you”. Just because you know someone loves you loads, does not mean you don’t like to hear it sometimes.

So while you may see their bad side first, focus on their good side more, that is ultimately how you bring out the good in people.

Best friends forever child, are those that take what you say good or bad, and they accept it. They analyze it. They keep it in mind. They are then as happy with you as though you’ve given them the key’s to a Ferrari; because best friends forever love you for your vices as well as your virtues.

She is also not the fan of the expression “you have no right” according to her when you know someone for a long time, you tend to know them better than they are willing to admit, and because you know them perhaps better than you know yourself is not a matter of having the right to express good or bad feelings, however, you do have an implied freedom to say things as they come out and hope they took the best out of it. She of course, said that if I still was under 18, she would ground me for not focusing on the good side and leaving my personal opinions out of it as much as possible. Since she can’t, she figures that the inevitable silent treatment, I’m going to get, is deserved.

Moral of the story, get the full story before, you decide. If the full story is not possible, then danm it, get it out or hold your thoughts.

Just so you know, I do tend to express negativity when a girl is concerned. I have met ones with good qualities before, but I figured hey they know their good no need to point it out, guess I should start huh?  Most definitively.

Happy-ish…

Dear Reader,

Oh she’s alive! Yup, I’m alive and well-ish. Right at this moment I”m listening to who else The King of Pop, Rock, and Soul.  I do that when I’m really happy!  Well I have many reasons to celebrate this month. First and foremost not so long ago Thriller *yes the album* turned 30 recently. Britney Spears turned 31. Yey for the birthdays I say. Then there is the material side of happiness. I’m getting a new mobile phone soon.  No I’m not some tech nerd that needs to have the latest everything. I’ve had a generation one phone Huawei Ascend for the past almost three years.  Why? It still did what I needed to do and the only reason I’m upgrading is simply because I need more internal memory. I will finally be online 24-7. At least I hope to be.

Have you ever had an impossible Christmas Wish?  Every year around this time, I turn back the clock and make one impossible Christmas Wish, they have ranged from health to happiness among others. This year I made one, I wanted to reconnect with a best friend or BFFs as the internet now calls them now.  Why oh why, you wonder?  Well, because I do think there are some friendships worth having for a lifetime.  This particular one is.  We finally contacted each other. It was not a tearful reunion only because among other things my eyes weren’t cooperating.  Lately I get this weird vision which I can only describe in Photoshop terms. Imagine you have the best HD Photo and suddenly someone adds a while layer on top and drops the opacity to 70 percent. Add to that a message delay of ten minutes toward the end, and here I sit hoping things are still dandy.

Many reasons to be happy for sure. Why not, life is still young we are still okay so celebrate the small victories in the trials of life. After all it is those victories that keep us looking forward, glancing just a bit back and ready for tomorrow as it may come.

Moving on…

Dear Reader,

There is only so many times people can erase you from their life without even so much as a reason before you realize they are honestly and truthfully trying to get rid of you. Today again, that has happened to me, and I should have realized it before I sent a follow request. I could be driving myself crazy asking inside my head “what did I do wrong?” When in fact it’s apparent that I just get deleted and ignored at a whim with no rhyme or reason.  Yes, there are people like that in this world, and I can’t please everyone. I can only hope that things turn out okay.

For those of you who have followed the roller coaster of this blog, do not worry, I’m doing just fine, for the first time in two years I don’t need to know why? I don’t need for things to make sense, nor do I need to wonder what I did wrong, because even if I did something unforgivable, I know I have been forgiving towards those who have crushed me.

There are certain relationship dynamics that I fought so hard to keep only to realize I was the only one taking the punches I’m the only one fighting to keep a house of cards from falling apart. Today I finally have let go of that deck of cards and let them fall where they may.  I have no regrets nor resentments, in fact, I’m glad I got to meet and share two years of good and bad. This experience has taught me a lot. I’m still a fool, I will still smile, and I will cry, but I will be okay.

My social life has shrunk and probably will stay that way for a long time, but I’m okay. I’ve very good at being alone I take those times to see world around me and capture as many good memories as I can gather, for someday I will have show and tell and with all I seen I’m sure it will be an interesting ride through memory lane.

If ever I wronged someone, I sincerely apologize. I’ve only been in this world for 30 years, I’m bound to make mistakes, so if losing friendships along the way it’s my karmic retribution, then so be it.  All wrongs come with a price, but I’m sure I will do better the next time around. Life is short. live and let die.

Oh joy!

Dear Reader,

Is it really possible to be mad, sad, and ultimately happy?  I never thought that could happen at least not in the span of less than 30 minutes; that is unless you are bipolar or have some manic depressive thing going on.  It’s a good roller coaster though specially if the end result is joy.  Well today was one of those days. I had a conversation which started with a goodbye, and ended in a “Hello”. Let’s just say a lot of things where made clearer than crystal and a lot of questions have been answered.  Thus why it ended in Hello, because in a way of sorts it was like a start over from here.

Who ever said that bad news is bad news, clearly has not had a day like mine. While I am happy, that now a collection of things make perfect sense I don’t look forward to a day like today anytime again soon.

 

Cheer Up…

Dear Reader,

I realized that my sunny disposition and smile are not contagious. Not to everyone anyway.  I guess since I never hard, a flourishing circle of friends, I’ve never had to make anyone smile but me.  I laugh and I cry, that’s life. Sometimes, my soul feels tired. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel in this hardship called life and sometimes I do.  I am only human after all.  I try to look at things from more than one angle.  If someone is sad, I try my best to make them smile, but then I also want to leave them alone. Give them space. “Just be you”, I’ve been told. but If I am me in the process of cheering up someone that is what I do, then all I have to do is wait. The waiting for things to get back to the way they were is the most trying test of my patience.

Sometimes I think that next lifetime will be better. Then lately as I hear that thought in my head, I realized something. Why wait for things to be better next go around. Let us smile now. Let us be happy now. Let us see the sun is behind all that gray sky. Why wait for the next go around if you do. You miss out of many happy moments in the process.

In a random thought of happiness, I’ve had yesterday. What if everyone was happy, what if everyone was content with their place in life. What then? What comes after? It’s like finally getting my chocolate cake on my 5th birthday. I admit the build up, was awesome and once I got it it was incredible.  I enjoy it, but once I ate a slice or two. The magic of it was gone.  It’s not like I could eat that entire cake and be happy as ever. Too much of a good thing is bad.

So while I wish all those around me would stop being blue. I understand, that struggle is not only a part of life, it’s a necessity. If we struggle to get a glimpse of the magic that is true joy, the more we enjoy it, the more we have to look forward to when we achieve it.  Like all else in life we also must accept to start back at one, each and every time.

The Blues…

Dear Reader,

Have you ever been so happy to be somewhere? To wake up and feel the sun shines brighter than the day before. It is almost like the world looks beautiful somehow. Then you realize, it is the change of your scenery, somehow you stepped into somewhere.  Then the days past you return to your daily life, and you are blue, sad, and the body feels so heavy it’s hard to even type. It’s so difficult to even smile, and everything just seems more difficult to accomplish than it used to be.

If you ever had days like that, then you will understand what I mean. Personally, I have them from time to time. So, I know the last thing anyone wants to hear is, “Get happy, there is no use in being blue”.  I say that to my friends too.  However, one has to be in their shoes to understand sometimes the blues need to go away on their own.

Take me for instance, all I have to do to smile is hear the words, “I got a jar of dirt! I got a jar of dirt! and guess what’s inside it?”  Then add some Michael Jackson to mix and you got a happy girl in your hands.  For others is not that simple, the blues can take weeks months and sometimes even a year or so.

I know this much though, there is no mood that last 100 years, and no body that can stand it. At least that is what my mother always tells me and she is wise, thus I have to believe that in the end happy days win.  When I’m blue, I write, I feel inspired, and I just let the inspiration flow like it’s never ending.

So in the end you see even great things come out of bad days. You look back at them and being happy feels so much more rewarding, I guess, that is why they say, happiness is best appreciated by those who have cried.

One of those days…

Dear Reader,

Maybe it’s because I’m a creature of habit, and I’m very sensitive to when things change, and things must always change. Only a few days ago. I received a really happy offline, that promised a possible chat would be in my future. Well ever since then it’s been strange.  The little interaction seems to be terse and to the point felt almost like an obligation. So… unlike the usual. I guess is just one of those days.

I had one of those days yesterday. It rained like never before with thunder and lighting. If you don’t know by now I’m deadly afraid of thunder and lighting, yet I love rain what a contradiction. So I had to put up that for about 30 minutes, it’s not an exaggeration by any means, it was so bad that car alarms went off every time.

On top of that mom was having issues with something, and I found out another tech issue had taken place with a site, I was to build the stress level was not helping. I’ve had dreams which actually reflect all that stress and just general bad vibe around me lately. One had Hitler in it and the other had rain clouds, and the latest had the Titanic in it. Go figure.

So I guess what just took place this morning should have been no surprise. I know Yahoo has connection issues from time to time, and still I cannot shake the fact that maybe, just maybe, if Yahoo Messenger was a phone, I get the feeling I got hang up on. Then I think, what could be so bad as to deserve hanging up on someone or in my case people logging off mid conversation?  Your guess is as good as mine. So much for really wanting to chat huh? Okay so it was not mid conversation in fact, it was not much of a conversation just a bunch of, “yes, ok”. Then “Yahoo User is Now Offline”.

When I log off on people it’s usually because of a bad day. I hoping the day gets better until then. This girl is going to get some rest and not obsess over things I cannot change, deal with things that do and enjoy all in between.

My best friend and I…

Dear Reader,

It is a rare occasion in one’s life when we can rebuilt the bridges burned, resuscitate the dead relationships like a phoenix from the ashes.

In the past two months you followed me in my journey through hell and back. A bit over dramatic maybe to some but to me it literally was hell. I lost the best friend I’ve ever had and probably ever will have. The day he walked out of my life will be burned forever in my memory as a constant reminder that our friendship is worth fighting for against anything and anyone. The term friend is easily thrown about in today’s social circles, so it might be difficult for some to understand why go to so much trouble for one person. The answer is simple. He maybe be just one person to you, but to me he is the world entire.

I never mentioned this friend by name, though most of my posts are directed at him. Still as I write this I am asking myself if knowing his name matters much, after all, as Shakespeare once wrote, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. I believe he is right.

Very recently. I contacted my friend apologized for my part in the dissolution of our friendship. I did not hear from him, for what felt like an eternity I began to feel it was truly over. Then the random message came. About a story, he wanted to write.

Slowly we started writing again comparing notes on how things were perceived by our eyes.  We came to the conclusion that we were simply victims of a woman hell bent on destroying a friendship. Part of me wants to think it was merely because while she knew him for longer than I. I had gotten to know him far better than she did. She couldn’t handle that, so she set out to turn me into the monster that she is.

On the outside, I guess I can say, she is evil pure and simple, but today I learned she twisted things around. She made her actions mine and my actions hers. So when she told her side she looked amazing. She was, of course, reading my lines in the script of life and she made me out to read hers.  So I guess, in the end of all this mess. I am flattered that someone would want to be so much like me, that they would steal my words and my thoughts. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery so they say. There comes a time however, when a person’s true colors show, and they become nothing more than a cheap and worthless imitation of something greater than themselves.

After all was set in done, both me and my best friend continued speaking to each other. As though time had simply stood still waiting for us to say continue. Continue we shall, a little wiser for the wear. Where we go from here, no one knows, as the song says, “Que será, será, whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see”

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