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That moment when…

Dear Reader,

Ever been on the phone with someone and you get put on hold? Then it’s endless minutes of elevator music or just dead air. Well that happened to me almost a week ago, mom was walking around the house, and doing a lot of things at once. She thought she had placed me on hold, but missed the button by a mile. It was then that I heard something extremely hurtful. Not that I have not heard my sister put her foot in her mouth before, but this time, it really hurt.

She said the most awful things about me, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware I am not the most stellar individual, however, I am not overall a rotten apple to the core. Well, she also expressed similar thoughts about mother as I later found out.

So you see when it rains, it really pours, today for instance I found out I was added to the restricted section of Facebook. You know that amazing little bit of technology that allows you to have friends on Facebook, yet they can only read what you made specifically public. Ah yes, I am on that list. Here I am, just in a small way wondering why. I mean, I did express my opinion and while it was not a good opinion, it landed me in the penalty box so to speak. The weird thing is, I thought all was well and all the bridges mended and apologies accepted and what not. So if that is, then what was this for? Don’t worry I don’t need an answer to that one. I kindda gotten used to things like that, they have happened 3 times before. First with Jane Doe, then someone named Sarah, long story short. Like immunity. The first time you get a cold, you hurt everywhere and feel like you got run over, the second time slightly less so, by the 3rd time you pretty much only notice the runny nose.

That is the life of me, people can treat me like I’m the bad guy, and want to make me pay for it, but when they fail, I don’t even ask the basic question of “Why?”.  In my sister’s case, we are related and eventually will have to see each other again and act as civil as possible, in other people’s case, I really don’t know. I am a fan of finding answers, but in the most latest case of having things turned upside down when I thought all was well, AGAIN, I think I will let these questions go.  I often said good friendships relationships are worth fighting for, but even the Titanic eventually sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.

Until next time remember this: “You maybe one person, but for one person you can hold the world entire”

Moving on…

Dear Reader,

There is only so many times people can erase you from their life without even so much as a reason before you realize they are honestly and truthfully trying to get rid of you. Today again, that has happened to me, and I should have realized it before I sent a follow request. I could be driving myself crazy asking inside my head “what did I do wrong?” When in fact it’s apparent that I just get deleted and ignored at a whim with no rhyme or reason.  Yes, there are people like that in this world, and I can’t please everyone. I can only hope that things turn out okay.

For those of you who have followed the roller coaster of this blog, do not worry, I’m doing just fine, for the first time in two years I don’t need to know why? I don’t need for things to make sense, nor do I need to wonder what I did wrong, because even if I did something unforgivable, I know I have been forgiving towards those who have crushed me.

There are certain relationship dynamics that I fought so hard to keep only to realize I was the only one taking the punches I’m the only one fighting to keep a house of cards from falling apart. Today I finally have let go of that deck of cards and let them fall where they may.  I have no regrets nor resentments, in fact, I’m glad I got to meet and share two years of good and bad. This experience has taught me a lot. I’m still a fool, I will still smile, and I will cry, but I will be okay.

My social life has shrunk and probably will stay that way for a long time, but I’m okay. I’ve very good at being alone I take those times to see world around me and capture as many good memories as I can gather, for someday I will have show and tell and with all I seen I’m sure it will be an interesting ride through memory lane.

If ever I wronged someone, I sincerely apologize. I’ve only been in this world for 30 years, I’m bound to make mistakes, so if losing friendships along the way it’s my karmic retribution, then so be it.  All wrongs come with a price, but I’m sure I will do better the next time around. Life is short. live and let die.

My best friend and I…

Dear Reader,

It is a rare occasion in one’s life when we can rebuilt the bridges burned, resuscitate the dead relationships like a phoenix from the ashes.

In the past two months you followed me in my journey through hell and back. A bit over dramatic maybe to some but to me it literally was hell. I lost the best friend I’ve ever had and probably ever will have. The day he walked out of my life will be burned forever in my memory as a constant reminder that our friendship is worth fighting for against anything and anyone. The term friend is easily thrown about in today’s social circles, so it might be difficult for some to understand why go to so much trouble for one person. The answer is simple. He maybe be just one person to you, but to me he is the world entire.

I never mentioned this friend by name, though most of my posts are directed at him. Still as I write this I am asking myself if knowing his name matters much, after all, as Shakespeare once wrote, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. I believe he is right.

Very recently. I contacted my friend apologized for my part in the dissolution of our friendship. I did not hear from him, for what felt like an eternity I began to feel it was truly over. Then the random message came. About a story, he wanted to write.

Slowly we started writing again comparing notes on how things were perceived by our eyes.  We came to the conclusion that we were simply victims of a woman hell bent on destroying a friendship. Part of me wants to think it was merely because while she knew him for longer than I. I had gotten to know him far better than she did. She couldn’t handle that, so she set out to turn me into the monster that she is.

On the outside, I guess I can say, she is evil pure and simple, but today I learned she twisted things around. She made her actions mine and my actions hers. So when she told her side she looked amazing. She was, of course, reading my lines in the script of life and she made me out to read hers.  So I guess, in the end of all this mess. I am flattered that someone would want to be so much like me, that they would steal my words and my thoughts. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery so they say. There comes a time however, when a person’s true colors show, and they become nothing more than a cheap and worthless imitation of something greater than themselves.

After all was set in done, both me and my best friend continued speaking to each other. As though time had simply stood still waiting for us to say continue. Continue we shall, a little wiser for the wear. Where we go from here, no one knows, as the song says, “Que será, será, whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see”

About Me…

Dear Reader,

With the increase of social media outlets and places that require a sort of profile, we are unavoidably presented with the About Me section. In some places is short and sweet and with a 164 character limit, in others like UK Pals, is more of a give me your best ten lines about you. Either way it’s worded you are stuck trying to describe yourself and the kind of person that you are.

That question has been hunting me the last couple of days, because up until now, I’ve always said, “get to know me and you decide”.  That had worked well to a point. Then recent events in my life taught me a very important lesson. Be who I am, and defend that image with all I have.

About a month ago, out of selfishness and in part because my feelings were so hurt, almost beyond repair, I allowed a woman to paint the picture of whom she thought I was, instead of fighting that horrid description, I went along with it, and furthered that image to the bitter end.  In the process, a very special person in my life, left thinking less than highly of me I’m sure.

In the end, it got me thinking. Who am I really?  I am a real person that’s for damn sure. I bleed red just like everyone else, and like everyone I err; not a stellar human quality but no one is perfect. I believe in chances, in opportunities of redemption. I believe in love, (yes even the fairytale love that you read in romance novels).  I loved very few people in my life and each and every one in their own unique way. I’ve met people and shared their lives with them. Best of all, I believe in soul-mates. I believe there are those people in this world right now, that are meant to find each other whether near or far, and share their lives in some way. Those people you love in a very unique way. I hold fast to my friends like I hold to my dreams. (though at the moment I seem to be one short :() I am also a little stubborn (my dad tells me that all the time). I am a huge Michael Jackson fan. I love! drinking Coca-Cola, though sometimes I been known to drink Pepsi ;), I can’t help it, brings back good memories. Few things scare me, but no matter how old I get there has been three fears that have still hung around. The first one, is my fear of plunging things into a light socket. Mom says, it’s because when I was a little girl, I had very little touch sensitivity, so she caught me trying to fit a metal wire in a light socket and was shocked that I had no reaction to the apparent electrical shock. (She hid the light sockets from me from that day on :d). Another thing that scares me is feeling empty and alone. It’s true that you can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel the deepest coldest loneliness ever. Lastly in a little less of a poetic fashion, I’m terribly scared of earthquakes, we had one recently and it scared me more than I would like to admit. My life ambition is to make a positive change in this world.  My friend Martin used to say before he died, that I”d already done that, thus I could die a happy woman. That’s who I am.

Friends…

Dear Reader,

I just saw a commercial that reminded me of the people that have made a positive difference in my life.  One of them of course is my dearest friend Martin.  He and I used to chat on the phone at least once a week. He always tried to scare me, in a fun way.  The day I was suppose to talk to him, my mother gave me the grave news. The phone call would never come again.  In the short while that I knew him, he was absolutely the best friend anyone can have, he always knew when I was sad, and somehow always made me smile. Sometimes when I am sad, I can always hear him say, “Smile girlie, is so much easier than crying”.

Another person that made a difference in my life I met in this September almost two years ago.  I would wake up everyday, with a smile on my face, and like Martin, this person also knew when I was sad, and made me smile quite a bit.  Today I was thinking if I could take a day in my life back, I would take back the day that wonderful friend of mine walked out of my life.  I always say things happen for a reason, that is what keeps me going and keeps alive the faith and hope that has always been a part of my life.

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t have a string of 15-19 friends hanging around for the good, the bad and the lets not go there.  I don’t have the social graces of a high school cheerleader, and had never had that many friends. As much as some people would like to disagree, friends for me have been very few and far between.  I know people by name and face some were classmates others friends of the family, but friends, the kind that are for better or worse, sad to say only two.

While the call will never come and that email packed with loads of smiles will never grace my inbox, I think fondly of them everyday and wish them the best.

On the non human side, I do have two wonderful friends, whom I wouldn’t change for anything. Samantha (Sammie) and Nolan both my cats they are one year old and I’ve had them since they were about two weeks old. They have made me a really happy person.  Nolan seems to understand when I’m sad (he tends to try to cheer me up by acting extra adorable). Sammy has her ways too, lately she has taken a permanent spot to on the left side of my desk, and naps there looking ever so beautiful, she has let me pet her a lot more than usual. Which is great!

So while in days like today, I may think about those friends that made me smile and see life in high def, and probably feel that smile fade away; wishing things could be different, I will try to focus on those tiny moments in the day that are a gift from God and like friendships long gone leave a lasting impression.

Grudges…

Dear Reader…

I am not one to hold a grudge not for long anyway, because it’s both not healthy and pardon the pun a royal waste of time; however, sometime ago maybe a year or so I met a person hell bent on achieving a goal set long before I ever crossed paths, and in very recent weeks this person tested my resolve.

Over a quite long period of time, I got a first class ticket in the roller coaster of hell, so as any normal human with a back bone, I was or so I thought hell bent on revenge, but something about it made drag my feet and take my time, maybe that should have been my first clue it’s not for me to pass judgment. Lesson learned.

The dreaded day came and after a few expletives the final coup de gras was delivered and I was not on the delivery end I’m sad to say, but on the receiving end, and not because I was the weakest link, but by choice. Let me explain, the way I figured, I’ve never met in my life a person with more determination, so I could go about it two ways, I could keep fighting for probably the rest of my life, and have moments of misery in the process or I can just get out of the way, and move on. Granted there are more graceful ways to get out of the way, but a friendships like the one I lost, don’t sit idle by and let the villain win.

So the decision a most difficult one I assure you was made. I set out to destroy my own image, leave nothing of the person that I am and if you will turn myself into the villain of the story.  It worked, the villain became he good guy and vice-versa, I could now move on with what little dignity, self respect I had left.

Oh how saintly of me you must be thinking. I did it not out of martyrdom or sacrifice for the greater good, oh no, I can be selfish too. So I guess it was driven by a bit of selfishness on my part, I did not want to be consumed by this person’s hate, and I certainly didn’t look forward to having this person be my shadow for the rest of my life. Hate is viral, and infectious and destructive, I didn’t want to become part of who I am, I’m not that stubborn.

So do I hold a grudge? Certainly not, the reason is quite simple, any relationship no matter the dynamic, whether it be friendship/love or DNA cannot be founded on, the pain and suffering of others, it simply does not survive. This person as I predicted contacted me about a 3 days ago, why is anyone’s guess, my evil side would say to “rub my face in it” however my good side wants to believe, it was simply to thank me.

  • May 16 4:03 PM
    Person X:Things got kind of messed up but Xxx did say you helped him out and he’s agreed to meet. So thanks. I promised not to use this account anymore so you won’t be hearing from me again, your probably pleased I imagine. I’m sorry, for what it’s worth.
  • May 16 4:07 PM
    Me:You are welcome. Now please go away.

I’m not going to lie, part of me wanted to go on and say more than that, explain that I hope this second chance if you will is not wasted. Yes, part of me also thinks that even if I had revealed my plan and reasons for it, no one need ever know.  That is not because I fail to see the apparent good side, but because once just this month I gave a choice, “you can either come clean fully and honestly or you can roll me under the bus”. Needless to say, I was rolled and re rolled under a double decker. In the end I know I will be okay, yes I lost the best friend I will probably ever have, and our friendship was probably worth going to hell and back for, however, forgive me if this time is me who throws in the towel.

Do I believe, that I won’t be hearing from this person again? Maybe I won’t but the next person who ends up where I used to be if things don’t work out certainly will.  Here is hoping that their first meet today on this 19th day was worth the paramount loss on my part.

A Moment for Life…

Dear Reader,

Who said TV does not inspire.  Lately I been seeing this whimsical, for a lack of a better word, Pepsi Commercial,  The slogan is “Live for Now”.  Usually the moments in our lives are punctuated and are remembered more by the things that happen around us than for what actually happens.

I’m not a particularly huge fan of Nikki whatever her name is, in my opinion Michael and Britney have done worlds better.  However this repetitive question did get me thinking, about how would you answer it.  The question this time is “If I could have this moment for life?” Granted, is not quite a question but I drowned the rest of the lyrics, and asked my self what if.

If I could have any moment for life which would it be and why?  I have many wonderful memories in my life especially in the last seven years.

The more I thought about it I would have given anything to have, the bus rides to school with my best friend Martin.  Those are the moments I think back on these days.  He made me laugh cheered me up and taught me a thing or two about people. I would definitively have those moments for life.

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