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A year to remember…

Dear Reader,

This will be a year to surely remember. Although is not quite over yet, I have a load of memories that I will cherish for years to come.  This year I have seen people come and go, and in the world of my dreams have had some really messed up ones out of left field, but far more beautiful ones.

All in all I’m very peaceful. I finally got to work on a blanket I started years ago. I had no idea what to do with it, then my mom suggested I keep it around to keep adding to it as time goes on.  I’ve always said, great minds think alike, well not so far back I got a similar suggestion, so having two confirmations I think the blanket will stay, maybe every time I reach a goal, I will add another line or two. As far as how it will look in a few years, I”m sure Nolan’s claws will have something to do with it, but that dude is so adorable I cannot be mad if it looks like a crazy mess.

In the mean time here is hoping the remainder of the year is as wonderful as the past few months have been.

Joy to the world indeed!

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Reasons to Smile…

Dear Reader,

As I sat tonight catching up with my past posts that I had yet to publish I noticed there was at least two, that stayed drafts for a reason. They were sad. I really don’t remember why, I was so down. Which in a way is a good thing, I suppose.

Strange, how sad moments work. Right as they happen it seems the end of the world, now looking back at it. I realize, that sad moments are small compared to how enormous they weight on the soul when they happen.

Today, I have many reasons to smile. One of them is my cat. Yes, call me crazy cat lady all you like, but my cat Nolan is too cute for words. When I’m upset he acts more adorable than usual. It’s difficult not to smile at such cuteness.

Life is not perfect and sometimes we do things we regret sooner or later. Sometimes life surprises you, and shows you the beauty of being upbeat. Not all is life through rose colored glasses of course. Some things happen and they slap you in the face with the force of a mighty army; when that happens you just have to shake it off, and hope you become a better person than you were.

I am not perfect far from it. No one is perfect, regardless of how flawless they may seem on the outside. Some err because of pain, panic, or desperation. Others because of blind fate. Who knows, either way, may we be better people in the end and try to focus on the good moments of the past and the present, and hope for more in the future.

He Misses You…

Dear Reader,

Before we get all religious on the subject. Let me explain, I’m not the most religious person in the world, probably the least religious one you will know. However, I don’t go out of my way to hurt someone, or be evil. That said, I try to be a good human being. Whether or not I succeed is another matter entirely. That said, a few days ago I had a dream which I remember vividly but only the last part of it. I guess it was the most important part anyway.

I was in this patio of yellow tile all over the floor and walls. There was plants in pots all around. A man caught my attention. This man was very old, blue eyes silver hair. He shook my hand and said,

“I have a letter for you dear”.

To which I replied in a very Vernon Dursley way,

“Who’d be writing to me? In case you have not noticed, It’s been a month since I got anything resembling communication”.

He smiled, and was surrounded by this bright light, and I was lost in his eyes. I never seen kinder eyes in my life. He handed me the letter, it was in very old paper looked like parchment, gorgeous handwriting, and before I turned to read it, he said to me.

“He misses you, you know”.

Again, I turned and calmly said,

“Trust me no one misses me. If I did a Houdini tomorrow, it would be a long while for anyone to even notice I was no longer around.”

He smiled grabbed my hand and said, “He misses you, you silly girl, God misses you”.

I replied calmly,

“That makes two of us, I been wondering where’s He’s been all this time. So what, now I’m suppose to go to church or something? Besides, He knows where to find me, he sees all right? It’s not like I”m invisible here. I do pray you know”.

“It’s not like that at all, why don’t you read the letter huh?” He said.

So I turned to read it and it said “Dear CC Girl”. I could not read the rest, because at this moment I had the odd feeling that the man I was just talking to was God, I turn around and think to myself, “Very funny”. He looked at me winked, smiled and the next thing I know I was surrounded by white roses blooming before my eyes and floating all around me. I woke up.

I woke up, with that bit of my dream still fresh in my thoughts. I would have not written about it. Except I had the same dream for 3 nights now. The scenery is always the same. I never get to read the letter, there are things that change, but it ends the same way. Same old man. Two nights ago, besides insisting I was missed, he said, my favorite thing about you is you know people.”

Of course I wake up always the same way. Part of me thinking if I know people so well, why am I the one that gets, fooled? Answer, I allow myself to get fooled.

To clarify I’m not suicidal, never been, never will be. Life as good or bad as it can get is a gift. Enjoy it. Remember this, no one in this world can make you happy. Only you can make you happy. All others can only add to your happiness. That my friends I consider the secret of life.

That moment when…

Dear Reader,

Ever been on the phone with someone and you get put on hold? Then it’s endless minutes of elevator music or just dead air. Well that happened to me almost a week ago, mom was walking around the house, and doing a lot of things at once. She thought she had placed me on hold, but missed the button by a mile. It was then that I heard something extremely hurtful. Not that I have not heard my sister put her foot in her mouth before, but this time, it really hurt.

She said the most awful things about me, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware I am not the most stellar individual, however, I am not overall a rotten apple to the core. Well, she also expressed similar thoughts about mother as I later found out.

So you see when it rains, it really pours, today for instance I found out I was added to the restricted section of Facebook. You know that amazing little bit of technology that allows you to have friends on Facebook, yet they can only read what you made specifically public. Ah yes, I am on that list. Here I am, just in a small way wondering why. I mean, I did express my opinion and while it was not a good opinion, it landed me in the penalty box so to speak. The weird thing is, I thought all was well and all the bridges mended and apologies accepted and what not. So if that is, then what was this for? Don’t worry I don’t need an answer to that one. I kindda gotten used to things like that, they have happened 3 times before. First with Jane Doe, then someone named Sarah, long story short. Like immunity. The first time you get a cold, you hurt everywhere and feel like you got run over, the second time slightly less so, by the 3rd time you pretty much only notice the runny nose.

That is the life of me, people can treat me like I’m the bad guy, and want to make me pay for it, but when they fail, I don’t even ask the basic question of “Why?”.  In my sister’s case, we are related and eventually will have to see each other again and act as civil as possible, in other people’s case, I really don’t know. I am a fan of finding answers, but in the most latest case of having things turned upside down when I thought all was well, AGAIN, I think I will let these questions go.  I often said good friendships relationships are worth fighting for, but even the Titanic eventually sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.

Until next time remember this: “You maybe one person, but for one person you can hold the world entire”

Foreign…

Dear Reader,

I spent the day watching movies, mostly Korean movies. I like the language and some bits, I already understand.  The story line is nothing new, but it’s some how refreshing to see it, from their perspective.

I caught myself wondering how I must sound in Spanish to people who only speak English for example, do my words sound as run together as Korean does to me? Perhaps. It was not just he language I wondered about; it is also me as a person. I’ve grown up with so many influences from different parts of the world, that I see myself as a mish mosh of all of them. A really cool one, I might add.

I also felt foreign to my space, like I should be somewhere else. Then, I thought who doesn’t. Life has it’s moments, when I wonder what if… yes, there are things I wish I could have done different, things I could have said different, but then I am who I am. As terrible or good a person as I can be, I am perhaps, the most forgiving one I know. Take my friends for instance, I have known some for over ten years, over those years we have stepped on each others toes, and even stopped calling. Yet, if my phone were to ring, I’d be answering it gladly. To some the concept is foreign, or pathetic. Take your pick. Either way, that’s me.

I’m pretty much like an indoor cat, the concept of going out into nature is very new to me, I’ve never been fully comfortable going out and being one with nature. I tried though, just a few days back, and been trying ever since, pretty cool, is just not my thing, as I told mom, “Face it I’m a geek, I am at peace when in front of the PC screen”. She has come to accept that. She always, tried telling me, “you should take a page off XYZ’s book, he goes out, he gets on his bike, he lets the sun hit him in the face once in a while”. Yes, my mother thinks the world of the only friend I got left. Lately, though she has been cutting me some slack, even tries to talk about my PC projects, which lately have been put on hold for lack of inspiration.

Yes, the real world is wonderful, and even though more often than not it’s the road not taken, that does not mean I don’t know how it works. The perk of being an observer, bystander or whatever you call it, is that I get to know people very well so far. I will let you know when “very well” becomes “so so”. Until then and for a while it seems, you are my only recipient. That being said, since I have no one to share my random questions of the day I will ask you.

Random question time, If you could see anything out in space, planets stars galaxies, and see them well, in all their glorious detail which would you pick?  I will let you know my answer tomorrow. Remember, it’s good to be sad, but it’s even greater to be filled with Joy.

What inspires….

Dear Reader,

I was asked just two days ago, what inspires me to write. To be honest, it caught me off guard as I never seen myself as a writer. I didn’t even consider what I do as writing. A successful writer,  should make an impact on the reader. So far the only thing I managed to impact are my keyboard keys.  I doubt, I brought something of meaning or significance to anyone. So after letting the thought permeate in my brain cells I answered, “my broken heart”.

Those three words were meant to convey that I’m inspired by my pain, my tears and my sorrow. I am inspired by the things I see, and how they affect me. Usually my problem is not writer’s block, my issue is having way too much to say and not being able to put it in order so that I can say it.  My brain is a mess of thoughts, that when I need them, they just come out sometimes in floods and others in witty precises punches. The latter not so much so.

I am rarely inspired by joy and those moments have been few and sadly very far between. It’s probably why when I am happy, I enjoy the moment which flees almost as soon as it arrives.

I was asked too, “Have I ever broken your heart?” Of that question I thought about for a second as I ran a film reel of things I could remember in my head, then I generalized it to everyone who has caused a form of heartbreak or another. I was able to separate it by unintentional heartbreak and intentional hurt. The latter has been more so. Be it pretending to be someone else, so I can be told all those things that swim in the minds of those who say them or being looked in the eye, when I am told things I don’t wish on anyone. Unintentionally yes, I replied. While it still does not make it much better, I think it’s best to be on the unintentional category. For then the goal was not to break the soul, the goal was well intended, to grown me in reality or lend hope.

Sometimes I do wonder, what if I had done the right thing? Said the right thing? Been the right someone? What if I could hold on to those moments of perfection that make others happy and maybe thankful to be around? Then I let those thoughts go as fast as they came. The way I see it, the people who truly matter, the people who truly want to be around you will understand that sometimes even if more often than not. You need to be sad, you need to cry before you can be truly happy. The sun comes out for everyone at one point or another. Here is hoping that when it comes out for me those that I care about will be around to join me in the joy. For it’s easy being around happy people, it’s far more difficult to pick up a friend when he or she falls.

 

I am only one…

Dear Reader,

Just as I began to believe that people are awesome. Some idiot picks Easter to pull a stunt only worthy of “The Twilight Zone”. No doubt people have too much idle time in their hands for idle chatter and been there, done that ideas.  It was all okay until my best friend Martin was mentioned.

This morning I woke up thinking, what would Martin say? He would probably laugh about it. He was that type to see the good in the worst of situations. Me, I see the bad, before the good, much to his disappointment I’m sure. That is the type of person I am. Moral of the story, “In God I trust, all others in the foreseeable future I will background check and virus scan”., Trust like respect is not given it’s earned.

Until much later, remember there are still good people in this world. We just have to look harder than usual, when you find the good ones cherish them. For they are rare indeed.

Live long, learn and prosper!

Message to Anyone…

Dear Reader,

While I write to you when I’m down and defeated.  Today I actually sent a message to the world like message in a bottle of sorts. I had no control over who would receive it, I got a response. A person from England responded, I suppose this person was burning the midnight oil or something, but it felt good to talk to a random face in the crowd, someone that was up at midnight lending me a sympathetic ear. I was told that sometimes it’s worth going through the mess to find the odd truffle. I found a truffles before, but I dropped them, what can I say I have butter fingers. Treasures like that are not easily found.

Anyway, this person I met today I know only is much older than me. Made me realize something, I cannot help anyone if I don’t help myself first. I intend to mend my soul. That much I am sure of.  I have many things to look forward to in the near future, while the dreams I had as a child and a teen and even a twenty something will never come true. I can no longer dwell in what could have been but focus on what could be.

What could be is full of possibilities. I will give myself small steps. Today, I finally accepted, that there are things, behaviors, and life events in general that I cannot change. However, the mess in my kitchen is so fixable, I’m planing to clean it up soon. Wish me luck. I’m about to step in the right direction for once.

Yeah, the bit about the kitchen is no joke. I’m actually, planning to start making my surroundings beautiful. Fist step in making one self happy, make everything around you pleasant. So first stop is the kitchen. I will let you know of my progress and how it goes.

In the mean time, smile though your day is gray, because behind all that cloud mess, there is always the most kick ass sunshine. Chin up mates!

Bullies…

Dear Reader,

It’s no doubt that compared to ten years ago, information and the speed at which we get it has come a long, long way. I know it sounds almost ancient to say but fifteen years ago I too was fifteen, and grew up without the extensive use of the computer or internet until I was well out of my teens. Today a headline caught my eye that made me think back on my high school years “Teen who had chronicled her bullying on Youtube commits suicide” it got me thinking of how in the world did I survive high school?  I know some people say the hardships we endure at the hands of our peers are meant to built character.

My take on the whole thing is, there is no doubt for some and provably the vast majority school is a nightmare.  For me, sometimes it was difficult to get up and find a reason to go, I was not exactly bullied, but I did have to endure the comments about my appearance and health issues, the many back handed remarks, and stuff of that nature.  I had only one friend in high school for the first year, he died the following summer. I was lucky enough to make two more friends, with whom I still talk to from time to time. This girl in the article felt alone. I know what that feels like, I been where she was in a way.

Feeling completely alone is by far the worst feeling in the world and sadly is not one that you can ever become immune to. I am aware that words are powerful, that they can make or break deals, but I also know they can mend the broken hearts.  Someone once asked, “If we are going to die anyway, what’s the point of it all?”  I guess, in a way if you look at it that way, it does look grim does it not? Life is a gift, we are here to live it, experience it and above all respect it. Where we go from hear no one knows, but what matters is that we live a life worth remembering by the ones we leave behind.

While I read the article I kept thanking the very few yet true friends I was blessed with. I wonder in a greater scale if any bullies out there will ever know the severe consequences brought on by their lack of respect for their fellow classmates. Will they ever know they contributed in some way to the end of a a life? Or will they simply move on, and treat school and live in general as the survival of the fittest?

Evil never prospers, even though it might seem that way at times. Mom often told me, children are a direct reflection of their parents, so I can’t help but wonder if parents today are aware of how bad their kids make them look. Yes, it is a fast paced world and some parents today are too preoccupied to notice, the little details. Adults are the protectors of our youths, I think it’s about time for all of us to stand up and pay attention.

Work and Looks…

Dear Reader,

This week I’ve done a bit of work here and there. I helped organize an office, I did a good job of it last Tuesday, so far. I was suppose to go there again today, but something tells me that won’t happen anytime soon.  I know not the most cheerful of prospects but I have a good sense for these things. I’m not crushed or anything, I guess in a way I’m sort of relieved, the only thing I don’t like about this is once you can take a deep breath and contemplate the dates past a lot of things happen.

Today would have been a typical Pizza Friday for me, and we had dinner like usual, then my fingers did the walking on the keyboard and I started to search such things as how to straighten hair, how to remove inset odors from clothes among other related topics that deal with the way I look and the way I smell. That last one by the way isn’t bad.  Usually I don’t question my looks only because I don’t have the time to, but that is not to say I look like a total slob either.

I know presentation is almost everything in a job field, at least it gets one’s foot in the door, but when it gets you in a frenzy to change everything you are and everything you always been, that is when you really have to weight the possibilities that maybe is far better to remain you and find a job that fits you and not one that you have to make yourself fit into. I’m sure with time I will weight the good with the bad but inside, I would much rather work in a place where the rewards are few, but the comfort of being true to my image remains intact.

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