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Dear Reader,

Did I just paint a picture in your mind of the first space themed movie or TV show you saw or perhaps the last? Or, maybe a simple picture of stars and general outer space?

The truth is galaxies are far more complex than that. Some if not most are extremely unique. In the universe there are two types of galaxies that are most prevalent spiral and elliptical (no I don’t mean the workout machine). Then there’s Hoag’s Object.

Now, according to there are two leading theories on how galaxies first came to be. Yes, we would like to think that after the Big Bang the dust settled and space was as we know it today, but in reality, nothing was that instant. About a billion years after The Big Bang, (quite a long time folks) the first galaxies were born. A galaxy’s birth is far more complicated than the birds and the bees talk we all have had with out parents.  One way that was an “explain it all” way for a while,  was that vast clouds of gas and dust collapsed under their own gravitational pull, allowing stars to form, and presto you got a shiny new galaxy. However, as times must and always will change, mostly due to advances in technology, yet another theory has come out of the wood work, and it has gained popularity. That theory states, that the universe contained many small “lumps” of matter, which clumped together to form galaxies. According to this theory, most of the large galaxies were spirals, that eventually merged and the elliptical galaxies were born.

So what makes Hoag’s Object so rare and unique? Well you see, when two galaxies come together to become an entirely new galaxy it basically becomes a survival of the fittest. It is difficult to imagine something as vast as space can be crowded, but it is, galaxies on their own are huge. Think about it for a minute, The Milky Way Galaxy, a very recognizable name as far as galaxies go, home of our solar system it itself is made up of many other galaxies it has gobbled up over millions of years. It’s nearest neighbor is Andromeda, and it is only 25 times the size of the both galaxies in distance away. That is not enough breathing room. So eventually a collision happens, and only one survives, becoming either spiral or elliptical, except you guessed it Hoag’s Object, this galaxy is unique in that is is both, and to be honest how it came to be so, cannot be explained by science, yet, yes theories abound, but none solid enough.

Now, collisions are not rare, in fact, they happen quite often, it makes one think of space as a gigantic game of Pac-Man. The universe is ever changing and evolving, even though when looking up at the night sky we see the same stars and the same phases of the moon, there is a world of action going on further than the eye can see.

Now with new galaxies being born most of witch are in the elliptical category thus supporting the new theory of creation by collision, one would ask about the stars, what happens to them, do they become further fuel for the crash or what? Well, it is vary rare that stars are scathed during these death matches, more often than not they are thrown out of orbit, they are tossed so far they become residents of a new galaxy or just float in space, this is due to the fact that the distance between stars is so great. Not all, however, is death, destruction and chaos, more often when new galaxies are created, millions of brand new stars are born, thus adding to the grand circle of life.

Yes, we all would like to see space as a very dark and void place to visit, and to the Astronauts that went to the moon, it might have appeared so, but if you look up photos of galaxies far from our own, Space is the most colorful and beautiful canvas of all.




The Joy of Others…

Dear Reader,

Before I begin this post, I will say, that my absence, was not due to a malady. It was not due for lack of things to write about, trust me the past four or so months have been full of surprises, some good and some not so good, but all under the sky has it’s ups and downs I suppose. I guess, I stayed away from writing because,  It’s was like a horse race on a dusty road; the end was only in sight after the dust settled.

I have proven once and again, that which I was told when I was very young. Someone said to me, “To see others happy is the greatest joy anyone can ever hope to have”. Over the last four months I have seen many people that are dear to my heart be happy. I could not help in those times, but to play music and celebrate their contentment.

My day has just begun, and while normally I wait until the end of the day to write about it, today I decided to make an exception.

Remember, to always find a reason to smile.

Every so often take a break and a deep breath; continue on the path of life. Sometimes, the walk may seem full of  tribulations, doubts, and even frustrations. When that happens, just know, that while it does rain occasionally, the sun must and always will shine through even the darkest of skies.


That moment when…

Dear Reader,

Ever been on the phone with someone and you get put on hold? Then it’s endless minutes of elevator music or just dead air. Well that happened to me almost a week ago, mom was walking around the house, and doing a lot of things at once. She thought she had placed me on hold, but missed the button by a mile. It was then that I heard something extremely hurtful. Not that I have not heard my sister put her foot in her mouth before, but this time, it really hurt.

She said the most awful things about me, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware I am not the most stellar individual, however, I am not overall a rotten apple to the core. Well, she also expressed similar thoughts about mother as I later found out.

So you see when it rains, it really pours, today for instance I found out I was added to the restricted section of Facebook. You know that amazing little bit of technology that allows you to have friends on Facebook, yet they can only read what you made specifically public. Ah yes, I am on that list. Here I am, just in a small way wondering why. I mean, I did express my opinion and while it was not a good opinion, it landed me in the penalty box so to speak. The weird thing is, I thought all was well and all the bridges mended and apologies accepted and what not. So if that is, then what was this for? Don’t worry I don’t need an answer to that one. I kindda gotten used to things like that, they have happened 3 times before. First with Jane Doe, then someone named Sarah, long story short. Like immunity. The first time you get a cold, you hurt everywhere and feel like you got run over, the second time slightly less so, by the 3rd time you pretty much only notice the runny nose.

That is the life of me, people can treat me like I’m the bad guy, and want to make me pay for it, but when they fail, I don’t even ask the basic question of “Why?”.  In my sister’s case, we are related and eventually will have to see each other again and act as civil as possible, in other people’s case, I really don’t know. I am a fan of finding answers, but in the most latest case of having things turned upside down when I thought all was well, AGAIN, I think I will let these questions go.  I often said good friendships relationships are worth fighting for, but even the Titanic eventually sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.

Until next time remember this: “You maybe one person, but for one person you can hold the world entire”

Words of my mother….

Dear Reader,

I have always known my mother is a very wise person. Yesterday, long after I gotten home from my walk, she IMs me to ask me, “Clao,clao CC, are you okay? Is something bugging you? You wanna talk about it?” Of course it shocked me a bit, she usually just calls and very subtle like works out my troubles. So I call her and asked why the message. She said, “Here I was, focusing on my day and the things I have to do, and you just kept popping up in my head so I figured something was not right, wanna talk about it”?

So of course, I told her about how a recent conversation went the good and the bad of the things that I said, and the not so joyful ones I learned, and was told. She sat there silent for a good ten minutes: Then she said, since it takes you a while to let it sink in, turn on your sound recorder and listen carefully to what I’m about to tell you:

“Just because you never have anything nice to say where a girl you don’t know is concerned, does not mean you are wrong. You have not been wrong yet, you know people far better than anyone I know.

Good qualities on people are like the words, “I love you”. Just because you know someone loves you loads, does not mean you don’t like to hear it sometimes.

So while you may see their bad side first, focus on their good side more, that is ultimately how you bring out the good in people.

Best friends forever child, are those that take what you say good or bad, and they accept it. They analyze it. They keep it in mind. They are then as happy with you as though you’ve given them the key’s to a Ferrari; because best friends forever love you for your vices as well as your virtues.

She is also not the fan of the expression “you have no right” according to her when you know someone for a long time, you tend to know them better than they are willing to admit, and because you know them perhaps better than you know yourself is not a matter of having the right to express good or bad feelings, however, you do have an implied freedom to say things as they come out and hope they took the best out of it. She of course, said that if I still was under 18, she would ground me for not focusing on the good side and leaving my personal opinions out of it as much as possible. Since she can’t, she figures that the inevitable silent treatment, I’m going to get, is deserved.

Moral of the story, get the full story before, you decide. If the full story is not possible, then danm it, get it out or hold your thoughts.

Just so you know, I do tend to express negativity when a girl is concerned. I have met ones with good qualities before, but I figured hey they know their good no need to point it out, guess I should start huh?  Most definitively.

Message to Anyone…

Dear Reader,

While I write to you when I’m down and defeated.  Today I actually sent a message to the world like message in a bottle of sorts. I had no control over who would receive it, I got a response. A person from England responded, I suppose this person was burning the midnight oil or something, but it felt good to talk to a random face in the crowd, someone that was up at midnight lending me a sympathetic ear. I was told that sometimes it’s worth going through the mess to find the odd truffle. I found a truffles before, but I dropped them, what can I say I have butter fingers. Treasures like that are not easily found.

Anyway, this person I met today I know only is much older than me. Made me realize something, I cannot help anyone if I don’t help myself first. I intend to mend my soul. That much I am sure of.  I have many things to look forward to in the near future, while the dreams I had as a child and a teen and even a twenty something will never come true. I can no longer dwell in what could have been but focus on what could be.

What could be is full of possibilities. I will give myself small steps. Today, I finally accepted, that there are things, behaviors, and life events in general that I cannot change. However, the mess in my kitchen is so fixable, I’m planing to clean it up soon. Wish me luck. I’m about to step in the right direction for once.

Yeah, the bit about the kitchen is no joke. I’m actually, planning to start making my surroundings beautiful. Fist step in making one self happy, make everything around you pleasant. So first stop is the kitchen. I will let you know of my progress and how it goes.

In the mean time, smile though your day is gray, because behind all that cloud mess, there is always the most kick ass sunshine. Chin up mates!


Dear Reader,

It’s no doubt that compared to ten years ago, information and the speed at which we get it has come a long, long way. I know it sounds almost ancient to say but fifteen years ago I too was fifteen, and grew up without the extensive use of the computer or internet until I was well out of my teens. Today a headline caught my eye that made me think back on my high school years “Teen who had chronicled her bullying on Youtube commits suicide” it got me thinking of how in the world did I survive high school?  I know some people say the hardships we endure at the hands of our peers are meant to built character.

My take on the whole thing is, there is no doubt for some and provably the vast majority school is a nightmare.  For me, sometimes it was difficult to get up and find a reason to go, I was not exactly bullied, but I did have to endure the comments about my appearance and health issues, the many back handed remarks, and stuff of that nature.  I had only one friend in high school for the first year, he died the following summer. I was lucky enough to make two more friends, with whom I still talk to from time to time. This girl in the article felt alone. I know what that feels like, I been where she was in a way.

Feeling completely alone is by far the worst feeling in the world and sadly is not one that you can ever become immune to. I am aware that words are powerful, that they can make or break deals, but I also know they can mend the broken hearts.  Someone once asked, “If we are going to die anyway, what’s the point of it all?”  I guess, in a way if you look at it that way, it does look grim does it not? Life is a gift, we are here to live it, experience it and above all respect it. Where we go from hear no one knows, but what matters is that we live a life worth remembering by the ones we leave behind.

While I read the article I kept thanking the very few yet true friends I was blessed with. I wonder in a greater scale if any bullies out there will ever know the severe consequences brought on by their lack of respect for their fellow classmates. Will they ever know they contributed in some way to the end of a a life? Or will they simply move on, and treat school and live in general as the survival of the fittest?

Evil never prospers, even though it might seem that way at times. Mom often told me, children are a direct reflection of their parents, so I can’t help but wonder if parents today are aware of how bad their kids make them look. Yes, it is a fast paced world and some parents today are too preoccupied to notice, the little details. Adults are the protectors of our youths, I think it’s about time for all of us to stand up and pay attention.

London kind of day..

Dear Reader,

Today, I had a London kind of day. The day was overcast, and extremely windy. I cherished the moment and for a while there I thought maybe this was a gift from someone greater than me.  I know it sounds crazy; but I had a wonderful moment last night before I closed my eyes.

It’s one of those few moments were I was flooded by happy promises to myself, happy prayers or whatever you wanna call them; and for a moment there I got goose bumps, not bad goose bumps. It’s hard to explain, I felt as though God, or Martin or someone greater than myself was watching over me cheering me on, saying, “you go girl, that is your path take that direction to reach your reason for being here”.  I went to sleep so very happy. I felt as though if there is a Heaven, that is what happiness would feel like for all eternity.

So now you must be wondering, how can a windy overcast day like those in London feel like a gift?  Well, I live in one of those parts of the world where days like that are very rare, in fact, you can go a whole year without noticing one sometimes.  I love windy overcast days as much as rain, they are among my favorite things in the whole world, right up there with Coca-Cola, and Chocolate Cake.

Maybe is the having faith, and skeptic realists can call it simply weather; but I really felt as I rarely do, that something or someone was listening and was watching over me. Like that something I used to have in my life as a child has never left, and I been so preoccupied with trying to fit in my age, that I simply ignored it.  Well not anymore.

From this day forward, I will lighten my load, I will let go of the things I cannot fix. Take joy in the things that I can, and know, that there is something deep inside everyone of us to let us know the difference.



Dear Reader,

Good morning to you. I have been a awake for about an hour and thinking of cooking something soon.

Today for the first time in a while I decided to change my desktop wallpaper. I’m running Windows 7, so I get the bonus of wallpaper that changes at a set time.  I decided to make it happy images of nature. I needed it, I have had Thomas Kinkade on for months before his passing.  Some how those idyllic paintings of his, seemed to bring about sorrow and feelings of sadness.  It was time for a change.

I’m a visual person, that is not to say that I’m shallow and I care only about outward appearances. Far from it, you can be the most beautiful person and your soul can be dark and rotten to the core.  Make you an ugly person that would as Yoda would say. My visuals when it comes to technology must be reflecting of the mood I find myself in. Right now I’m not exactly jumping for joy, but I’m trying to rise from the ashes that were left of me a while ago.  Considering I don’t take medication and have yet to see a professional I’m doing okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I think psychologist are one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind, but I find the best person to understand me, is me. The stepping stones of my journey I lay out just so, surrounded by as much poetic beauty as I can find, magic of soul, faith in whatever holds me at the time, and belief in my dreams, which are undoubtedly a reflection of my soul.

Smiles will come my way soon. I hope. So note to self smile! I know telling someone who has fallen apart, to just smile though your heart is aching is easier said than done. However, once achieved is like God has stood right next to you and summoned a cheering squad.

On a final note, being that I’m awake, this early, I had a change to glance at the moon and it’s looking absolutely gorgeous!  I know, things like that most of you might see on the drive home one night. However, really, really look at it from time to time. You will find it different somehow. Every once in a while, I’d like to think it carries my thoughts with it.

Remember life is extremely difficult, if it were easy time would seem to stand still and we be the less wiser for it. I prefer to look at it as there is always a light at the end of the long rode home, where ever that maybe.


Dear Reader,

Ever have those emails or posts, in which you pour out your soul and say all the things that need be said?  Oh, I have so many, I cannot tell you how many times, I’ve written something and never sent it. The letters never sent.  That is what I call the pile, everyone has them I’m sure.  It is the things we don’t say that show us an in dept picture of whom we are on the inside.  How often I’ve sent messages and afterward reflect, that maybe I could have worded it better.  Then I get to thinking… had I wrote it this way instead of that way, would it had gotten a reply or a positive/negative reaction?  It is not that I dwell on stuff. I try not to, but then you can’t help but think about things like that.

In case the curiosity got to you, I will tell you the reason I never sent those letters; for one, the ones meant form a certain someone, might have fallen on deaf ears.  The others, were meant for a place that has no address, or place, Heaven.  Surprised? Don’t be. After a time I delete those missives. In them I cry, I laugh, and scream from time to time. That is only when a good song can’t cure the mood or add to the greatness of it.

That is not to say that I’m speechless most of the time. Far from it, I can talk anyone’s ear off. My family can attest to that, if Martin were here he could attest to that to.  He was the first to bring it to my attention. It was okay then as it is now, as he used to tell me, “girlie you lucked out, because I have a PhD in listening and patience. :).  Sometimes I take a chance and say what’s on my mind, then I just hope, that when I do, it’s a happy thing and it’s well received and believed.  When I’m angry, then just hold on because unlike hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, I’d say hell hath no fury like yours truly when she’s mad.

So in closing, whether you write it down, or say it out loud, find some way to share the joys and sorrows of your life with that special someone it makes the load of life easier to bear.


You will never know…

Dear Reader,

We usually hear the words, “You will never know until you try”,  from our parents when we are young; and it usually involves learning to ride a bike or doing anything of the similar fashion.  As we age, however, we learn to apply them to many things.

The last time I remember hearing those words from my mother was when she had the bright idea (I’m not being sarcastic here) of me joining an Automated Office Skills Class. Which was basically a class on how to use a typewriter, a computer and pretty much learn the skills for an entry level office position. Of course, I refused since I never intended to use a computer nor had I been successful in my three previous attempts to try and learn to type? Keep in mind learning touch typing was a requirement for passing the class. She then gave me those wise words, to which I could have replied, “but mom, I did try, three times!” of course being my mother, she would have probably said, “I know honey, but you didn’t try this one!  Okay so she would have said something more along the lines of “do it or else!” regardles, we can agree like Burger King she would have it her way. Thus I tried and thanks to those building blocks, here I am!

Today I took a very scary? (yes, I am still wondering if scary is the right word to use there) step forward.  I’ve made contact with my best friend, whom I have not talked to in over a month now. Which does not seem like a long time but in this day and age, where information flies at (words per minute + motor skills / internet speed) in can feel like light years. Plus, I’ve been thinking a lot about what he’s been up to and such. Granted his blog keeps me informed, but it’s not the same, as those mornings looking forward to reading about his daily life.

I guess scary part of it, is the uncertainty of not knowing if I just spent a whole two weeks, wondering if I should write or not, only to end up writing to the air, that is if there is no reply. Then if there is will it be even worse than the final email? Or will, it be the beginning of a fresh new start?  Well, as Jeremy Lin put it once at the height of his notoriety, “Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst”. Either way, I guess we shall know eventually.

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