For the past week, a friend of mine from Mexico, Rudy, has been telling me he would be on Skype, that I should log in, and then we can live chat. Being he, the only MJ fan I know that I can talk to and have fun with sharing stories of MJ’s music news stories and such. I looked forward to it, that and he was going to tell me all about his new boyfriend.
So there I am like a good girl, logged in on Facebook, Skype and Yahoo, from the moment I was awake til I went to bed, which like I put it is pretty much London time. I’m weird like that. Then I saw a blast from the very recent past log in, and I smiled, because I though right then, “All is well”. I’m not rude or anything, I would have said hello, but I have not exactly heard a reply to any emails I sent a while back, and I don’t know what the social convention is, but I’m pretty sure that is a passive way to say, “Don’t bother me”.
It happened so for 3 nights, and I thought, of how odd it was. I have not logged in to Skype in almost a year maybe more, and the very night I do, There is a person I still consider Martin Status Best Friend. I send good thoughts, smiled and continued reading, building my puzzles or watching “Burn Notice”. A few moments, during the day I thought of Martin, and what it would be like now had he lived to be as old as me. I fancied what it would have been like had he started using email. My guess is, he would have had a blast with Google Image Search, finding the scariest images to try to make me jump off my seat. For some reason scaring the daylights out of me, was always a source of the greatest fun for him. It was always in good fun though, never cruel, the times he tried scaring me in school were awesome we always ended up laughing afterward. Often times I see videos like Michael Jackson’s Ghosts and think, he would have had a blast with it, because it had good special effects, talking parts and music, he often said, he could moonwalk in his chair just like MJ.
Like my mother told me when he died more than 13 years ago. “Don’t be sad that he is gone, be happy that you got to know him”. I gotta say, she is right. Still, sometimes I do miss his smile, and the way he always made the best of even the worst situation, Or the look on his face when I ate super hot sauce with my lunch, he looked at me like he was waiting for me to explode.
As for Rudy he has yet, to log in. It’s all good, I don’t think he likes Skype much anyway, still, Skype did make me smile, so win win situation.Until my next post remember, it may not always be an easy thing to be happy, but it sure is the most fun of all of them.
Ever been on the phone with someone and you get put on hold? Then it’s endless minutes of elevator music or just dead air. Well that happened to me almost a week ago, mom was walking around the house, and doing a lot of things at once. She thought she had placed me on hold, but missed the button by a mile. It was then that I heard something extremely hurtful. Not that I have not heard my sister put her foot in her mouth before, but this time, it really hurt.
She said the most awful things about me, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware I am not the most stellar individual, however, I am not overall a rotten apple to the core. Well, she also expressed similar thoughts about mother as I later found out.
So you see when it rains, it really pours, today for instance I found out I was added to the restricted section of Facebook. You know that amazing little bit of technology that allows you to have friends on Facebook, yet they can only read what you made specifically public. Ah yes, I am on that list. Here I am, just in a small way wondering why. I mean, I did express my opinion and while it was not a good opinion, it landed me in the penalty box so to speak. The weird thing is, I thought all was well and all the bridges mended and apologies accepted and what not. So if that is, then what was this for? Don’t worry I don’t need an answer to that one. I kindda gotten used to things like that, they have happened 3 times before. First with Jane Doe, then someone named Sarah, long story short. Like immunity. The first time you get a cold, you hurt everywhere and feel like you got run over, the second time slightly less so, by the 3rd time you pretty much only notice the runny nose.
That is the life of me, people can treat me like I’m the bad guy, and want to make me pay for it, but when they fail, I don’t even ask the basic question of “Why?”. In my sister’s case, we are related and eventually will have to see each other again and act as civil as possible, in other people’s case, I really don’t know. I am a fan of finding answers, but in the most latest case of having things turned upside down when I thought all was well, AGAIN, I think I will let these questions go. I often said good friendships relationships are worth fighting for, but even the Titanic eventually sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.
Until next time remember this: “You maybe one person, but for one person you can hold the world entire”
I have always known my mother is a very wise person. Yesterday, long after I gotten home from my walk, she IMs me to ask me, “Clao,clao CC, are you okay? Is something bugging you? You wanna talk about it?” Of course it shocked me a bit, she usually just calls and very subtle like works out my troubles. So I call her and asked why the message. She said, “Here I was, focusing on my day and the things I have to do, and you just kept popping up in my head so I figured something was not right, wanna talk about it”?
So of course, I told her about how a recent conversation went the good and the bad of the things that I said, and the not so joyful ones I learned, and was told. She sat there silent for a good ten minutes: Then she said, since it takes you a while to let it sink in, turn on your sound recorder and listen carefully to what I’m about to tell you:
“Just because you never have anything nice to say where a girl you don’t know is concerned, does not mean you are wrong. You have not been wrong yet, you know people far better than anyone I know.
Good qualities on people are like the words, “I love you”. Just because you know someone loves you loads, does not mean you don’t like to hear it sometimes.
So while you may see their bad side first, focus on their good side more, that is ultimately how you bring out the good in people.
Best friends forever child, are those that take what you say good or bad, and they accept it. They analyze it. They keep it in mind. They are then as happy with you as though you’ve given them the key’s to a Ferrari; because best friends forever love you for your vices as well as your virtues.
She is also not the fan of the expression “you have no right” according to her when you know someone for a long time, you tend to know them better than they are willing to admit, and because you know them perhaps better than you know yourself is not a matter of having the right to express good or bad feelings, however, you do have an implied freedom to say things as they come out and hope they took the best out of it. She of course, said that if I still was under 18, she would ground me for not focusing on the good side and leaving my personal opinions out of it as much as possible. Since she can’t, she figures that the inevitable silent treatment, I’m going to get, is deserved.
Moral of the story, get the full story before, you decide. If the full story is not possible, then danm it, get it out or hold your thoughts.
Just so you know, I do tend to express negativity when a girl is concerned. I have met ones with good qualities before, but I figured hey they know their good no need to point it out, guess I should start huh? Most definitively.
I was asked just two days ago, what inspires me to write. To be honest, it caught me off guard as I never seen myself as a writer. I didn’t even consider what I do as writing. A successful writer, should make an impact on the reader. So far the only thing I managed to impact are my keyboard keys. I doubt, I brought something of meaning or significance to anyone. So after letting the thought permeate in my brain cells I answered, “my broken heart”.
Those three words were meant to convey that I’m inspired by my pain, my tears and my sorrow. I am inspired by the things I see, and how they affect me. Usually my problem is not writer’s block, my issue is having way too much to say and not being able to put it in order so that I can say it. My brain is a mess of thoughts, that when I need them, they just come out sometimes in floods and others in witty precises punches. The latter not so much so.
I am rarely inspired by joy and those moments have been few and sadly very far between. It’s probably why when I am happy, I enjoy the moment which flees almost as soon as it arrives.
I was asked too, “Have I ever broken your heart?” Of that question I thought about for a second as I ran a film reel of things I could remember in my head, then I generalized it to everyone who has caused a form of heartbreak or another. I was able to separate it by unintentional heartbreak and intentional hurt. The latter has been more so. Be it pretending to be someone else, so I can be told all those things that swim in the minds of those who say them or being looked in the eye, when I am told things I don’t wish on anyone. Unintentionally yes, I replied. While it still does not make it much better, I think it’s best to be on the unintentional category. For then the goal was not to break the soul, the goal was well intended, to grown me in reality or lend hope.
Sometimes I do wonder, what if I had done the right thing? Said the right thing? Been the right someone? What if I could hold on to those moments of perfection that make others happy and maybe thankful to be around? Then I let those thoughts go as fast as they came. The way I see it, the people who truly matter, the people who truly want to be around you will understand that sometimes even if more often than not. You need to be sad, you need to cry before you can be truly happy. The sun comes out for everyone at one point or another. Here is hoping that when it comes out for me those that I care about will be around to join me in the joy. For it’s easy being around happy people, it’s far more difficult to pick up a friend when he or she falls.
With all the craziness of the last month. I have not only had a wonderful visit from one of my best friends, but also got to spend a lot of time with another best bud of mine. Gosh, I missed communicating with people that understand me. I was reading some quotes today while waiting for my mother to come pick me up, when I came across one that helped me understand a lot of things. I don’t quite remember the exact wording. The spirit of the quote was that true friends, will remain your friends regardless of how much time goes by, they will understand you and accept you exactly as you are. So you know, I feel blessed. There is truly few people aside my mother who get me.
So today I laughed and I joked and I talked. Though, I began to notice something. Well, given my recent visit. I process live chats, emails and blogs far faster and more accurately than say live in person interaction. It is not until the day is done when it’s short that I think of how it could have gone so much better. Something tells me I should socialize more, but then it’s part of who I am.
That is the subject that occupied my recent chat with my best friend. He still thinks, it’s okay though. See, that brings me back my thoughts I’m not a social butterfly, but I do know people who still find me if not fun, at least not a total bore to hang out with.
On to the holiday. Today is my mother’s birthday. We had planned to hang out together, but she could not make it to pick me up so we rescheduled. I know parental birthdays are important, and I was ready to go though not feeling up to it, as I have allergies and they were acting up. Gladly mom thought it was best to hang out in the weekend so we shall see what that brings. Until then, I should most definitively, finish putting things away here because it still looks like I just moved in.
Oh yes! The shock this girl got a visit. Further more, though the visit was from someone I have not seen in nearly a decade. I almost thought it wouldn’t be. The flight got delayed the traffic was horrible. Yet still after all that traveling I saw my best friend. Mind you when it comes to me it’s a very, very short list of best friends. So of course getting ready took me twelve hours, I must have changed clothes loads of times that day, and yes, I even wore make up. I know what you are thinking, “but you don’t wear make up!”. His thoughts exactly. Yeah my best friend is a guy, though as my mother put it. “It’s not a new thing”. It’s been that way since I was old enough to socialize.
As you so well know, me and girls well, we just don’t find common ground.
We went out for ice cream, just like the very first day we met at a library. While we only spent a few minutes in each others company I would certainly do it again. He is still a blast to hang out with. Truth be told I would have spent hours in his company, however, he was here for work and looked very tired. Hopefully, by the next visit, I will already know my way around and have a whole day planned. Until then, I woke up happy, content for is not the number of friends you keep it is the quality of friends you have that matters.
Just as I began to believe that people are awesome. Some idiot picks Easter to pull a stunt only worthy of “The Twilight Zone”. No doubt people have too much idle time in their hands for idle chatter and been there, done that ideas. It was all okay until my best friend Martin was mentioned.
This morning I woke up thinking, what would Martin say? He would probably laugh about it. He was that type to see the good in the worst of situations. Me, I see the bad, before the good, much to his disappointment I’m sure. That is the type of person I am. Moral of the story, “In God I trust, all others in the foreseeable future I will background check and virus scan”., Trust like respect is not given it’s earned.
Until much later, remember there are still good people in this world. We just have to look harder than usual, when you find the good ones cherish them. For they are rare indeed.
Live long, learn and prosper!
There is only so many times people can erase you from their life without even so much as a reason before you realize they are honestly and truthfully trying to get rid of you. Today again, that has happened to me, and I should have realized it before I sent a follow request. I could be driving myself crazy asking inside my head “what did I do wrong?” When in fact it’s apparent that I just get deleted and ignored at a whim with no rhyme or reason. Yes, there are people like that in this world, and I can’t please everyone. I can only hope that things turn out okay.
For those of you who have followed the roller coaster of this blog, do not worry, I’m doing just fine, for the first time in two years I don’t need to know why? I don’t need for things to make sense, nor do I need to wonder what I did wrong, because even if I did something unforgivable, I know I have been forgiving towards those who have crushed me.
There are certain relationship dynamics that I fought so hard to keep only to realize I was the only one taking the punches I’m the only one fighting to keep a house of cards from falling apart. Today I finally have let go of that deck of cards and let them fall where they may. I have no regrets nor resentments, in fact, I’m glad I got to meet and share two years of good and bad. This experience has taught me a lot. I’m still a fool, I will still smile, and I will cry, but I will be okay.
My social life has shrunk and probably will stay that way for a long time, but I’m okay. I’ve very good at being alone I take those times to see world around me and capture as many good memories as I can gather, for someday I will have show and tell and with all I seen I’m sure it will be an interesting ride through memory lane.
If ever I wronged someone, I sincerely apologize. I’ve only been in this world for 30 years, I’m bound to make mistakes, so if losing friendships along the way it’s my karmic retribution, then so be it. All wrongs come with a price, but I’m sure I will do better the next time around. Life is short. live and let die.
I realized that my sunny disposition and smile are not contagious. Not to everyone anyway. I guess since I never hard, a flourishing circle of friends, I’ve never had to make anyone smile but me. I laugh and I cry, that’s life. Sometimes, my soul feels tired. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel in this hardship called life and sometimes I do. I am only human after all. I try to look at things from more than one angle. If someone is sad, I try my best to make them smile, but then I also want to leave them alone. Give them space. “Just be you”, I’ve been told. but If I am me in the process of cheering up someone that is what I do, then all I have to do is wait. The waiting for things to get back to the way they were is the most trying test of my patience.
Sometimes I think that next lifetime will be better. Then lately as I hear that thought in my head, I realized something. Why wait for things to be better next go around. Let us smile now. Let us be happy now. Let us see the sun is behind all that gray sky. Why wait for the next go around if you do. You miss out of many happy moments in the process.
In a random thought of happiness, I’ve had yesterday. What if everyone was happy, what if everyone was content with their place in life. What then? What comes after? It’s like finally getting my chocolate cake on my 5th birthday. I admit the build up, was awesome and once I got it it was incredible. I enjoy it, but once I ate a slice or two. The magic of it was gone. It’s not like I could eat that entire cake and be happy as ever. Too much of a good thing is bad.
So while I wish all those around me would stop being blue. I understand, that struggle is not only a part of life, it’s a necessity. If we struggle to get a glimpse of the magic that is true joy, the more we enjoy it, the more we have to look forward to when we achieve it. Like all else in life we also must accept to start back at one, each and every time.
It is a rare occasion in one’s life when we can rebuilt the bridges burned, resuscitate the dead relationships like a phoenix from the ashes.
In the past two months you followed me in my journey through hell and back. A bit over dramatic maybe to some but to me it literally was hell. I lost the best friend I’ve ever had and probably ever will have. The day he walked out of my life will be burned forever in my memory as a constant reminder that our friendship is worth fighting for against anything and anyone. The term friend is easily thrown about in today’s social circles, so it might be difficult for some to understand why go to so much trouble for one person. The answer is simple. He maybe be just one person to you, but to me he is the world entire.
I never mentioned this friend by name, though most of my posts are directed at him. Still as I write this I am asking myself if knowing his name matters much, after all, as Shakespeare once wrote, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. I believe he is right.
Very recently. I contacted my friend apologized for my part in the dissolution of our friendship. I did not hear from him, for what felt like an eternity I began to feel it was truly over. Then the random message came. About a story, he wanted to write.
Slowly we started writing again comparing notes on how things were perceived by our eyes. We came to the conclusion that we were simply victims of a woman hell bent on destroying a friendship. Part of me wants to think it was merely because while she knew him for longer than I. I had gotten to know him far better than she did. She couldn’t handle that, so she set out to turn me into the monster that she is.
On the outside, I guess I can say, she is evil pure and simple, but today I learned she twisted things around. She made her actions mine and my actions hers. So when she told her side she looked amazing. She was, of course, reading my lines in the script of life and she made me out to read hers. So I guess, in the end of all this mess. I am flattered that someone would want to be so much like me, that they would steal my words and my thoughts. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery so they say. There comes a time however, when a person’s true colors show, and they become nothing more than a cheap and worthless imitation of something greater than themselves.
After all was set in done, both me and my best friend continued speaking to each other. As though time had simply stood still waiting for us to say continue. Continue we shall, a little wiser for the wear. Where we go from here, no one knows, as the song says, “Que será, será, whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see”