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Goodbye Gallbladder…

Dear Reader,

I know most of the time I don’t write anything important. In fact, I seem to be way too positive to be humanly allowed. That is only because, we need to always hope for the best out come in whatever we do.

With that said, “Hello again”. You know back in the day and even occasionally today, if you tune into to a channel you catch a commercial for signs of a stroke? Or those heart attack commercials. Well, they should have another commercial, “When to go to the hospital?” Trust me, it would have saved me hours of grief.

I recently on four occasions, had a ache bellow my rib cage that radiated from side to side and stayed on the top half of my stomach.  It usually went away with Pepto and some Aspirin.

On August 28, I was having dinner, watched TV, and suddenly, the pain came back. It came back with a fury. If you like to know what with a fury means, well, let’s just say it was the kind of pain that made me cry for my mother. I’m 32, so you get the point.I refused to do anything about it until mom called me the next afternoon  and I was to busy throwing up, she took that as her invitation to come get me.

I was admitted to the hospital, on August 29th. I was scheduled for surgery the next morning.

August 30th, at around noon I went into the operating room, where the doctor proceeded to remove my very infected gallbladder. I had a tough time waking up, last I remember I felt as though I could not breath.  The feeling, was strange.

After three more days in the hospital afterward, I was allowed to come home.

I’ve never had surgery in my life so naturally the night I spent in the hospital being asked about my final directive, and whom I would choose to make medical decisions for me, was kind of hard. I broke down and cried, there is so much you don’t think of. All I remember is thinking of the people I hold dear in my heart and wondering what they would do? Thinking, what if I didn’t make it out alive? Would I ever speak to them again. Once I calmed down. I was able to sleep, I went into surgery and all was better than my worse fears.

I”m home now, and I”m fine. If anything I’m lucky that surgery has come along way since they started removing the gallbladder.

So to my gallbladder, We had 32 wonderful years, goodbye you will be missed.

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Unexpected compliment…

Dear Reader,

Sometimes, we go about our day, maybe we notice the leaves changing or the wind picking up speed. However, if you are like me, you don’t really expect to go noticed as you walk by on your day to day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those sit in your room and cry types. I am perfectly comfortable with myself and I do realize, that I am not the type of person that gets noticed. I blend into the background of life as it were and I’m okay with that.

Today, as I walked to the laundry room, I took a moment to smell the air, to enjoy the fact that Spring, however windy is here. Since I was early I was not surprised to find the lady that takes care of the laundry room cleaning, and since she did not mind my presence I went on about putting my laundry to dry. She then comented in more length, that I looked smaller. So in her own way she seemed happy with my weight loss. Congratulated me on it, she said, “It shows, you loss weight, keep with your morning walks it’s doing you good”. She noticed I take walks in the morning. So much for blending into the fabric of daily life.

It’s been a while since I gotten a compliment from someone I don’t really know. It was unexpected and surprising. Most people compliment you because it’s the right thing to do,  or because somehow, they have to to, or they do it simply out of pity. I am not one to give many compliments, but when I do compliment someone is heart felt and sincere.

I took the time to tell this lady, how much it meant to me that she took the time to say something nice. My exact words were, “Thank you, you have given me a very good reason to smile today. May your day be filled with as much joy as you brought into mine”.

Maybe, a bit too much, for most, but given the fact that I have been under the weather lately, and not exactly feeling pretty. She did honestly give me something to smile about. It’s the little things that can make a big difference.

So in closing, be grateful for the little things that make you smile. They are they to remind you that as bad as things can get, they will get better.

Reasons to Smile…

Dear Reader,

As I sat tonight catching up with my past posts that I had yet to publish I noticed there was at least two, that stayed drafts for a reason. They were sad. I really don’t remember why, I was so down. Which in a way is a good thing, I suppose.

Strange, how sad moments work. Right as they happen it seems the end of the world, now looking back at it. I realize, that sad moments are small compared to how enormous they weight on the soul when they happen.

Today, I have many reasons to smile. One of them is my cat. Yes, call me crazy cat lady all you like, but my cat Nolan is too cute for words. When I’m upset he acts more adorable than usual. It’s difficult not to smile at such cuteness.

Life is not perfect and sometimes we do things we regret sooner or later. Sometimes life surprises you, and shows you the beauty of being upbeat. Not all is life through rose colored glasses of course. Some things happen and they slap you in the face with the force of a mighty army; when that happens you just have to shake it off, and hope you become a better person than you were.

I am not perfect far from it. No one is perfect, regardless of how flawless they may seem on the outside. Some err because of pain, panic, or desperation. Others because of blind fate. Who knows, either way, may we be better people in the end and try to focus on the good moments of the past and the present, and hope for more in the future.

He Misses You…

Dear Reader,

Before we get all religious on the subject. Let me explain, I’m not the most religious person in the world, probably the least religious one you will know. However, I don’t go out of my way to hurt someone, or be evil. That said, I try to be a good human being. Whether or not I succeed is another matter entirely. That said, a few days ago I had a dream which I remember vividly but only the last part of it. I guess it was the most important part anyway.

I was in this patio of yellow tile all over the floor and walls. There was plants in pots all around. A man caught my attention. This man was very old, blue eyes silver hair. He shook my hand and said,

“I have a letter for you dear”.

To which I replied in a very Vernon Dursley way,

“Who’d be writing to me? In case you have not noticed, It’s been a month since I got anything resembling communication”.

He smiled, and was surrounded by this bright light, and I was lost in his eyes. I never seen kinder eyes in my life. He handed me the letter, it was in very old paper looked like parchment, gorgeous handwriting, and before I turned to read it, he said to me.

“He misses you, you know”.

Again, I turned and calmly said,

“Trust me no one misses me. If I did a Houdini tomorrow, it would be a long while for anyone to even notice I was no longer around.”

He smiled grabbed my hand and said, “He misses you, you silly girl, God misses you”.

I replied calmly,

“That makes two of us, I been wondering where’s He’s been all this time. So what, now I’m suppose to go to church or something? Besides, He knows where to find me, he sees all right? It’s not like I”m invisible here. I do pray you know”.

“It’s not like that at all, why don’t you read the letter huh?” He said.

So I turned to read it and it said “Dear CC Girl”. I could not read the rest, because at this moment I had the odd feeling that the man I was just talking to was God, I turn around and think to myself, “Very funny”. He looked at me winked, smiled and the next thing I know I was surrounded by white roses blooming before my eyes and floating all around me. I woke up.

I woke up, with that bit of my dream still fresh in my thoughts. I would have not written about it. Except I had the same dream for 3 nights now. The scenery is always the same. I never get to read the letter, there are things that change, but it ends the same way. Same old man. Two nights ago, besides insisting I was missed, he said, my favorite thing about you is you know people.”

Of course I wake up always the same way. Part of me thinking if I know people so well, why am I the one that gets, fooled? Answer, I allow myself to get fooled.

To clarify I’m not suicidal, never been, never will be. Life as good or bad as it can get is a gift. Enjoy it. Remember this, no one in this world can make you happy. Only you can make you happy. All others can only add to your happiness. That my friends I consider the secret of life.

Words of my mother….

Dear Reader,

I have always known my mother is a very wise person. Yesterday, long after I gotten home from my walk, she IMs me to ask me, “Clao,clao CC, are you okay? Is something bugging you? You wanna talk about it?” Of course it shocked me a bit, she usually just calls and very subtle like works out my troubles. So I call her and asked why the message. She said, “Here I was, focusing on my day and the things I have to do, and you just kept popping up in my head so I figured something was not right, wanna talk about it”?

So of course, I told her about how a recent conversation went the good and the bad of the things that I said, and the not so joyful ones I learned, and was told. She sat there silent for a good ten minutes: Then she said, since it takes you a while to let it sink in, turn on your sound recorder and listen carefully to what I’m about to tell you:

“Just because you never have anything nice to say where a girl you don’t know is concerned, does not mean you are wrong. You have not been wrong yet, you know people far better than anyone I know.

Good qualities on people are like the words, “I love you”. Just because you know someone loves you loads, does not mean you don’t like to hear it sometimes.

So while you may see their bad side first, focus on their good side more, that is ultimately how you bring out the good in people.

Best friends forever child, are those that take what you say good or bad, and they accept it. They analyze it. They keep it in mind. They are then as happy with you as though you’ve given them the key’s to a Ferrari; because best friends forever love you for your vices as well as your virtues.

She is also not the fan of the expression “you have no right” according to her when you know someone for a long time, you tend to know them better than they are willing to admit, and because you know them perhaps better than you know yourself is not a matter of having the right to express good or bad feelings, however, you do have an implied freedom to say things as they come out and hope they took the best out of it. She of course, said that if I still was under 18, she would ground me for not focusing on the good side and leaving my personal opinions out of it as much as possible. Since she can’t, she figures that the inevitable silent treatment, I’m going to get, is deserved.

Moral of the story, get the full story before, you decide. If the full story is not possible, then danm it, get it out or hold your thoughts.

Just so you know, I do tend to express negativity when a girl is concerned. I have met ones with good qualities before, but I figured hey they know their good no need to point it out, guess I should start huh?  Most definitively.

What inspires….

Dear Reader,

I was asked just two days ago, what inspires me to write. To be honest, it caught me off guard as I never seen myself as a writer. I didn’t even consider what I do as writing. A successful writer,  should make an impact on the reader. So far the only thing I managed to impact are my keyboard keys.  I doubt, I brought something of meaning or significance to anyone. So after letting the thought permeate in my brain cells I answered, “my broken heart”.

Those three words were meant to convey that I’m inspired by my pain, my tears and my sorrow. I am inspired by the things I see, and how they affect me. Usually my problem is not writer’s block, my issue is having way too much to say and not being able to put it in order so that I can say it.  My brain is a mess of thoughts, that when I need them, they just come out sometimes in floods and others in witty precises punches. The latter not so much so.

I am rarely inspired by joy and those moments have been few and sadly very far between. It’s probably why when I am happy, I enjoy the moment which flees almost as soon as it arrives.

I was asked too, “Have I ever broken your heart?” Of that question I thought about for a second as I ran a film reel of things I could remember in my head, then I generalized it to everyone who has caused a form of heartbreak or another. I was able to separate it by unintentional heartbreak and intentional hurt. The latter has been more so. Be it pretending to be someone else, so I can be told all those things that swim in the minds of those who say them or being looked in the eye, when I am told things I don’t wish on anyone. Unintentionally yes, I replied. While it still does not make it much better, I think it’s best to be on the unintentional category. For then the goal was not to break the soul, the goal was well intended, to grown me in reality or lend hope.

Sometimes I do wonder, what if I had done the right thing? Said the right thing? Been the right someone? What if I could hold on to those moments of perfection that make others happy and maybe thankful to be around? Then I let those thoughts go as fast as they came. The way I see it, the people who truly matter, the people who truly want to be around you will understand that sometimes even if more often than not. You need to be sad, you need to cry before you can be truly happy. The sun comes out for everyone at one point or another. Here is hoping that when it comes out for me those that I care about will be around to join me in the joy. For it’s easy being around happy people, it’s far more difficult to pick up a friend when he or she falls.

 

March, oh how you stress me…

Dear Reader,

Where should I begin? This month, I have had a chance to talk to a lot of my family members from my mom’s side. Holy Internet, is all I can say. The degrees of separation or the actual separation, are becoming dismal at best.

There is a reason I try not to lose myself on social networks and get invested on others updates. Reason, some are funny, others are sad, heartbreaking, shocking or simply unpleasant. With that being said, I got inspired to be more “social”, follow the family posts and even comment back and forth on some. Then one morning, I woke up logged  in; and was as though everyone on my list was a in a competition to shock me, make me sad, or down right tick me off. So I posted my final post for a while “Taking a vacation….”

You would think that was the end of it. It was not, around the weekend I turned off my cell phone. I could not talk to anyone, I had to un-stress my brain and deal with the information overload the first weeks of March had brought me.

In the middle of that sadly wires were crossed, now my inbox is empty. Talk about bad luck huh? However, considering how things have been going on my social life lately I’m not surprised.

Not all is bad though, there is a light at the end of every tunnel and I got mine. It’s called mom and dad, I had a pleasant chat with my parents today. My mother, didn’t know the meaning of a social network vacation because she logged in as me by total accidental necessity of course, she changed to the new UI and she figured log in and out. Log in as someone else, (me) to see if that fixed it, she finally called me. I explained the updates, and she gave up on reverting the changes. There there is always Nolan my cat and a welcomed surprise, Sammy his sister. She has been unusually sweet and adorable with me.

My parents told me to keep my chin up. Oh parents how is it that they can see my sad soul even when I smile like someone just gave me a chocolate cake? Or pets to for that matter, I will never know. My parents are wonderful though, my dad made me laugh today and my mother promised me homemade hot sauce. Oh smiles are coming I can tell!  Until then, MJ music and hope and the two sweetness cats in the world should do the trick.

Not all is bad something awesome always follows a storm I will keep you posted.

Message to Anyone…

Dear Reader,

While I write to you when I’m down and defeated.  Today I actually sent a message to the world like message in a bottle of sorts. I had no control over who would receive it, I got a response. A person from England responded, I suppose this person was burning the midnight oil or something, but it felt good to talk to a random face in the crowd, someone that was up at midnight lending me a sympathetic ear. I was told that sometimes it’s worth going through the mess to find the odd truffle. I found a truffles before, but I dropped them, what can I say I have butter fingers. Treasures like that are not easily found.

Anyway, this person I met today I know only is much older than me. Made me realize something, I cannot help anyone if I don’t help myself first. I intend to mend my soul. That much I am sure of.  I have many things to look forward to in the near future, while the dreams I had as a child and a teen and even a twenty something will never come true. I can no longer dwell in what could have been but focus on what could be.

What could be is full of possibilities. I will give myself small steps. Today, I finally accepted, that there are things, behaviors, and life events in general that I cannot change. However, the mess in my kitchen is so fixable, I’m planing to clean it up soon. Wish me luck. I’m about to step in the right direction for once.

Yeah, the bit about the kitchen is no joke. I’m actually, planning to start making my surroundings beautiful. Fist step in making one self happy, make everything around you pleasant. So first stop is the kitchen. I will let you know of my progress and how it goes.

In the mean time, smile though your day is gray, because behind all that cloud mess, there is always the most kick ass sunshine. Chin up mates!

Moving on…

Dear Reader,

There is only so many times people can erase you from their life without even so much as a reason before you realize they are honestly and truthfully trying to get rid of you. Today again, that has happened to me, and I should have realized it before I sent a follow request. I could be driving myself crazy asking inside my head “what did I do wrong?” When in fact it’s apparent that I just get deleted and ignored at a whim with no rhyme or reason.  Yes, there are people like that in this world, and I can’t please everyone. I can only hope that things turn out okay.

For those of you who have followed the roller coaster of this blog, do not worry, I’m doing just fine, for the first time in two years I don’t need to know why? I don’t need for things to make sense, nor do I need to wonder what I did wrong, because even if I did something unforgivable, I know I have been forgiving towards those who have crushed me.

There are certain relationship dynamics that I fought so hard to keep only to realize I was the only one taking the punches I’m the only one fighting to keep a house of cards from falling apart. Today I finally have let go of that deck of cards and let them fall where they may.  I have no regrets nor resentments, in fact, I’m glad I got to meet and share two years of good and bad. This experience has taught me a lot. I’m still a fool, I will still smile, and I will cry, but I will be okay.

My social life has shrunk and probably will stay that way for a long time, but I’m okay. I’ve very good at being alone I take those times to see world around me and capture as many good memories as I can gather, for someday I will have show and tell and with all I seen I’m sure it will be an interesting ride through memory lane.

If ever I wronged someone, I sincerely apologize. I’ve only been in this world for 30 years, I’m bound to make mistakes, so if losing friendships along the way it’s my karmic retribution, then so be it.  All wrongs come with a price, but I’m sure I will do better the next time around. Life is short. live and let die.

Cheer Up…

Dear Reader,

I realized that my sunny disposition and smile are not contagious. Not to everyone anyway.  I guess since I never hard, a flourishing circle of friends, I’ve never had to make anyone smile but me.  I laugh and I cry, that’s life. Sometimes, my soul feels tired. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel in this hardship called life and sometimes I do.  I am only human after all.  I try to look at things from more than one angle.  If someone is sad, I try my best to make them smile, but then I also want to leave them alone. Give them space. “Just be you”, I’ve been told. but If I am me in the process of cheering up someone that is what I do, then all I have to do is wait. The waiting for things to get back to the way they were is the most trying test of my patience.

Sometimes I think that next lifetime will be better. Then lately as I hear that thought in my head, I realized something. Why wait for things to be better next go around. Let us smile now. Let us be happy now. Let us see the sun is behind all that gray sky. Why wait for the next go around if you do. You miss out of many happy moments in the process.

In a random thought of happiness, I’ve had yesterday. What if everyone was happy, what if everyone was content with their place in life. What then? What comes after? It’s like finally getting my chocolate cake on my 5th birthday. I admit the build up, was awesome and once I got it it was incredible.  I enjoy it, but once I ate a slice or two. The magic of it was gone.  It’s not like I could eat that entire cake and be happy as ever. Too much of a good thing is bad.

So while I wish all those around me would stop being blue. I understand, that struggle is not only a part of life, it’s a necessity. If we struggle to get a glimpse of the magic that is true joy, the more we enjoy it, the more we have to look forward to when we achieve it.  Like all else in life we also must accept to start back at one, each and every time.

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