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He Misses You…

Dear Reader,

Before we get all religious on the subject. Let me explain, I’m not the most religious person in the world, probably the least religious one you will know. However, I don’t go out of my way to hurt someone, or be evil. That said, I try to be a good human being. Whether or not I succeed is another matter entirely. That said, a few days ago I had a dream which I remember vividly but only the last part of it. I guess it was the most important part anyway.

I was in this patio of yellow tile all over the floor and walls. There was plants in pots all around. A man caught my attention. This man was very old, blue eyes silver hair. He shook my hand and said,

“I have a letter for you dear”.

To which I replied in a very Vernon Dursley way,

“Who’d be writing to me? In case you have not noticed, It’s been a month since I got anything resembling communication”.

He smiled, and was surrounded by this bright light, and I was lost in his eyes. I never seen kinder eyes in my life. He handed me the letter, it was in very old paper looked like parchment, gorgeous handwriting, and before I turned to read it, he said to me.

“He misses you, you know”.

Again, I turned and calmly said,

“Trust me no one misses me. If I did a Houdini tomorrow, it would be a long while for anyone to even notice I was no longer around.”

He smiled grabbed my hand and said, “He misses you, you silly girl, God misses you”.

I replied calmly,

“That makes two of us, I been wondering where’s He’s been all this time. So what, now I’m suppose to go to church or something? Besides, He knows where to find me, he sees all right? It’s not like I”m invisible here. I do pray you know”.

“It’s not like that at all, why don’t you read the letter huh?” He said.

So I turned to read it and it said “Dear CC Girl”. I could not read the rest, because at this moment I had the odd feeling that the man I was just talking to was God, I turn around and think to myself, “Very funny”. He looked at me winked, smiled and the next thing I know I was surrounded by white roses blooming before my eyes and floating all around me. I woke up.

I woke up, with that bit of my dream still fresh in my thoughts. I would have not written about it. Except I had the same dream for 3 nights now. The scenery is always the same. I never get to read the letter, there are things that change, but it ends the same way. Same old man. Two nights ago, besides insisting I was missed, he said, my favorite thing about you is you know people.”

Of course I wake up always the same way. Part of me thinking if I know people so well, why am I the one that gets, fooled? Answer, I allow myself to get fooled.

To clarify I’m not suicidal, never been, never will be. Life as good or bad as it can get is a gift. Enjoy it. Remember this, no one in this world can make you happy. Only you can make you happy. All others can only add to your happiness. That my friends I consider the secret of life.

March, oh how you stress me…

Dear Reader,

Where should I begin? This month, I have had a chance to talk to a lot of my family members from my mom’s side. Holy Internet, is all I can say. The degrees of separation or the actual separation, are becoming dismal at best.

There is a reason I try not to lose myself on social networks and get invested on others updates. Reason, some are funny, others are sad, heartbreaking, shocking or simply unpleasant. With that being said, I got inspired to be more “social”, follow the family posts and even comment back and forth on some. Then one morning, I woke up logged  in; and was as though everyone on my list was a in a competition to shock me, make me sad, or down right tick me off. So I posted my final post for a while “Taking a vacation….”

You would think that was the end of it. It was not, around the weekend I turned off my cell phone. I could not talk to anyone, I had to un-stress my brain and deal with the information overload the first weeks of March had brought me.

In the middle of that sadly wires were crossed, now my inbox is empty. Talk about bad luck huh? However, considering how things have been going on my social life lately I’m not surprised.

Not all is bad though, there is a light at the end of every tunnel and I got mine. It’s called mom and dad, I had a pleasant chat with my parents today. My mother, didn’t know the meaning of a social network vacation because she logged in as me by total accidental necessity of course, she changed to the new UI and she figured log in and out. Log in as someone else, (me) to see if that fixed it, she finally called me. I explained the updates, and she gave up on reverting the changes. There there is always Nolan my cat and a welcomed surprise, Sammy his sister. She has been unusually sweet and adorable with me.

My parents told me to keep my chin up. Oh parents how is it that they can see my sad soul even when I smile like someone just gave me a chocolate cake? Or pets to for that matter, I will never know. My parents are wonderful though, my dad made me laugh today and my mother promised me homemade hot sauce. Oh smiles are coming I can tell!  Until then, MJ music and hope and the two sweetness cats in the world should do the trick.

Not all is bad something awesome always follows a storm I will keep you posted.

London kind of day..

Dear Reader,

Today, I had a London kind of day. The day was overcast, and extremely windy. I cherished the moment and for a while there I thought maybe this was a gift from someone greater than me.  I know it sounds crazy; but I had a wonderful moment last night before I closed my eyes.

It’s one of those few moments were I was flooded by happy promises to myself, happy prayers or whatever you wanna call them; and for a moment there I got goose bumps, not bad goose bumps. It’s hard to explain, I felt as though God, or Martin or someone greater than myself was watching over me cheering me on, saying, “you go girl, that is your path take that direction to reach your reason for being here”.  I went to sleep so very happy. I felt as though if there is a Heaven, that is what happiness would feel like for all eternity.

So now you must be wondering, how can a windy overcast day like those in London feel like a gift?  Well, I live in one of those parts of the world where days like that are very rare, in fact, you can go a whole year without noticing one sometimes.  I love windy overcast days as much as rain, they are among my favorite things in the whole world, right up there with Coca-Cola, and Chocolate Cake.

Maybe is the having faith, and skeptic realists can call it simply weather; but I really felt as I rarely do, that something or someone was listening and was watching over me. Like that something I used to have in my life as a child has never left, and I been so preoccupied with trying to fit in my age, that I simply ignored it.  Well not anymore.

From this day forward, I will lighten my load, I will let go of the things I cannot fix. Take joy in the things that I can, and know, that there is something deep inside everyone of us to let us know the difference.

 

Hot in Here…

Dear Reader,

Just when we think, things could not get any worse they do. For instance, my air conditioner breaking at exactly four pm yesterday. That was many, many shades of horrible. I been there, done that three or four times. Each time though I manage to retain my sanity for a while longer the last.

This time, I called the front office and try as they did they could not get anyone here in time for my AC to get fixed.  So we spent the night in another unit was an exact replica of mine. Yet no one not even my cats felt comfortable one bit.  Nothing to do but read, and read I did, I got done with most of a Conan Doyle chapter. Awesome stuff. I was about to celebrate, that it had gone better. When I discovered a huge message delay on my Generation One smart phone. To make matters worse auto correct was not doing me any favors. Once I discovered what it said was not at all what I meant to say, I made it part of the conversation, like I meant to type it for a laugh. Talk about wrong thing wrong time.

It all got sorted out just hours ago though. All is right in the world. I wiped my cell back to factory settings so is just a cell phone now, but that is all I need, after all, the convenience of the apps, has proven more trouble than it’s worth.

I did do something for the first time today though, I went to church which is just down the street from me, and to my surprise I was the only person under forty there at that particular time.  I caught the leg end of a service and left.  Something tells me going to church is not as popular as it used to be.

I’m thinking of going again Sunday, but I gather it won’t see much difference. Other than that, I almost played chess with one of the tenants in the lobby, but it’s either the nights ill sleep or the fact the it was hotter than hell, but I was in no mood for games.

Finally the AC got fixed by maintenance turns out no professional was required and the fix took less than ten minutes. You live and learn daily. Now I know what to say next time this happens as it has happened twice it is not a matter of if, but when.

Until that happens I will enjoy the cool AC driven 74 degrees of goodness.

Visuals…

Dear Reader,

Good morning to you. I have been a awake for about an hour and thinking of cooking something soon.

Today for the first time in a while I decided to change my desktop wallpaper. I’m running Windows 7, so I get the bonus of wallpaper that changes at a set time.  I decided to make it happy images of nature. I needed it, I have had Thomas Kinkade on for months before his passing.  Some how those idyllic paintings of his, seemed to bring about sorrow and feelings of sadness.  It was time for a change.

I’m a visual person, that is not to say that I’m shallow and I care only about outward appearances. Far from it, you can be the most beautiful person and your soul can be dark and rotten to the core.  Make you an ugly person that would as Yoda would say. My visuals when it comes to technology must be reflecting of the mood I find myself in. Right now I’m not exactly jumping for joy, but I’m trying to rise from the ashes that were left of me a while ago.  Considering I don’t take medication and have yet to see a professional I’m doing okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I think psychologist are one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind, but I find the best person to understand me, is me. The stepping stones of my journey I lay out just so, surrounded by as much poetic beauty as I can find, magic of soul, faith in whatever holds me at the time, and belief in my dreams, which are undoubtedly a reflection of my soul.

Smiles will come my way soon. I hope. So note to self smile! I know telling someone who has fallen apart, to just smile though your heart is aching is easier said than done. However, once achieved is like God has stood right next to you and summoned a cheering squad.

On a final note, being that I’m awake, this early, I had a change to glance at the moon and it’s looking absolutely gorgeous!  I know, things like that most of you might see on the drive home one night. However, really, really look at it from time to time. You will find it different somehow. Every once in a while, I’d like to think it carries my thoughts with it.

Remember life is extremely difficult, if it were easy time would seem to stand still and we be the less wiser for it. I prefer to look at it as there is always a light at the end of the long rode home, where ever that maybe.

Then there was God…

Dear Reader,

I seldom touch on the subject of beliefs or politics with anyone because they are usually followed by a long discussion on how my political views need work or the ever popular “you need to find Jesus”, on the latter any closer to finding him and I would be dead. Of course, some over religious people would love to disagree.

On the subject of God, I believe  He exist and I find that an undeniable fact, specially in those moments when I fall apart, and I feel like train just hit me at max speed.  I had one of those moments recently, and I did have some choice words for Him.  Then again who doesn’t.

Life is difficult, hell if it was a cake walk we would die of boredom, I sometimes wonder what He thinks of me… before you all start thinking I need to read the bible you can forget it, that book has more contradictions than a politician. Plus is hardly in plain, no room for error English, so I take Shakespeare anytime.

As you guessed I have no religious affiliations, I just believe God exist and that sooner or later we all come back a bit wiser for the wear, and not that it would be a shock to any of you, but I don’t believe there is a Heaven or Hell, not in the biblical sense anyway, I believe we ARE in hell. We are working our way to either a blessed and happy life the next time around or just another try at it.  Where else would you see, pain, suffering injustice, famine, selfishness and just general ugly. That would perfectly explain why sometimes people can destroy each other enough to make the other contemplate checking out early.

God in my eyes, does not know everything, he knows our hearts our thoughts, our wishes, our intentions and our hopes that what we say can be received well. He does not know the future though.  Think about it, if he knew how vile, toxic, and evil some people were going to turn out to be I  doubt He would wish them upon anyone.  My guess is, He creates all of us with the highest hopes of all of us turning out great, as any parent would hope upon their kids. Of course after the age of innocence is over it is then He realizes the demon He unleashed upon this world, so all He can do is help those in the path dust it off and continue on.

It might just be nonsense but it sure explains Hitler and Osama, and other equally minded humans.

Does God like me? Hell yeah! I hardly think of Him as an entity that wants the world on their knees praying and for a lack of a better expression kissing His ass. So no, I don’t pray, I simply talk to him like I would talk to you. Only he knows why things work out the way they do in my life, and sometimes I wish He would let me in on it, or throw me a bone and make things go my way for once, but once it’s all set in done, all I can do is keep the good memories, the laughs, the best days of my life put them in the proverbial suit case that is my life and continue on in my path hoping someday that fork on the road I just passed where he went left and I went right, will become one, and we will walk side by side with our respective someones, laughing at the past times, mending the broken bridges and making new memories.

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