Monthly Archives: July 2012

My best friend and I…

Dear Reader,

It is a rare occasion in one’s life when we can rebuilt the bridges burned, resuscitate the dead relationships like a phoenix from the ashes.

In the past two months you followed me in my journey through hell and back. A bit over dramatic maybe to some but to me it literally was hell. I lost the best friend I’ve ever had and probably ever will have. The day he walked out of my life will be burned forever in my memory as a constant reminder that our friendship is worth fighting for against anything and anyone. The term friend is easily thrown about in today’s social circles, so it might be difficult for some to understand why go to so much trouble for one person. The answer is simple. He maybe be just one person to you, but to me he is the world entire.

I never mentioned this friend by name, though most of my posts are directed at him. Still as I write this I am asking myself if knowing his name matters much, after all, as Shakespeare once wrote, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. I believe he is right.

Very recently. I contacted my friend apologized for my part in the dissolution of our friendship. I did not hear from him, for what felt like an eternity I began to feel it was truly over. Then the random message came. About a story, he wanted to write.

Slowly we started writing again comparing notes on how things were perceived by our eyes.  We came to the conclusion that we were simply victims of a woman hell bent on destroying a friendship. Part of me wants to think it was merely because while she knew him for longer than I. I had gotten to know him far better than she did. She couldn’t handle that, so she set out to turn me into the monster that she is.

On the outside, I guess I can say, she is evil pure and simple, but today I learned she twisted things around. She made her actions mine and my actions hers. So when she told her side she looked amazing. She was, of course, reading my lines in the script of life and she made me out to read hers.  So I guess, in the end of all this mess. I am flattered that someone would want to be so much like me, that they would steal my words and my thoughts. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery so they say. There comes a time however, when a person’s true colors show, and they become nothing more than a cheap and worthless imitation of something greater than themselves.

After all was set in done, both me and my best friend continued speaking to each other. As though time had simply stood still waiting for us to say continue. Continue we shall, a little wiser for the wear. Where we go from here, no one knows, as the song says, “Que será, será, whatever will be will be, the future is not ours to see”

Birthday…

Dear Reader,

Today is my sister’s birthday. She is four years my senior. I was suppose to bake a cake for her today, but then like all things, I found out she had a cake already. The poor chocolate cake will have to sit in my cupboard for another day.  I admit I was a little sad, but I figured, it’s not easy to anticipate who will be the one to do all the birthday things before me.  In all fairness, it’s not like she broke with tradition, after all this was the first time I would bake her a cake, to be honest I like the one she got better.

I won’t be seeing her today as I spend the day with my parents yesterday and I’m still recovering from the noise and the busyness of that house. I always characterized myself as someone who can multitask however, when it comes to my parents’ house where my sister still lives with her kids and husband, is way too much activity for my brain to handle.

I have yet to wish her happy birthday, but is not because I’m rude, it is simply that my sister and myself are not that close. In fact, growing up we were like water and oil most of the time.  As adults now we have agreed to disagree. We are at least civil with each other and no unnecessary praises need be given.

I do wish her well though each and ever day; but all the ado of the last three days, has drained my resolve to party.

Growing up with her while not pleasant at times, it had it’s good times too. Like the first time I wore make up, or my first day at middle school and finally my high school graduation. She was there celebrating with me.

Today has a sad undertone to it as well. 14 years ago today, I attended the funeral of my very best friend Martin. I remember all through his wake, hoping it was all a joke and he would get up and laugh about how he had pulled off the ultimate scare. I kept that hope alive, up until the moment I saw his casket slowly drop down to it’s final resting place.  I guess, that was one of my many reasons not to be in such a jolly party mood.

I have yet to master taking the good in with the bad, and making the best of both. We get older with each passing second, so I guess sometime next week, I will wish her happy so many years plus a week of life. After all every second of life should be celebrated and cherished because they are moments that will never return.

 

In the Dark….

Dear Reader,

Yesterday afternoon, was a day like any other the temperatures dropping ready for the sun to set behind the mountain. The cats were being playful, everything was quiet, like the calm before the storm. Then seven minutes past the hour I hear it. I turn to see the lights in the dining room flicker and a hum sort of noise noise from above me, and before I could react it was eight minutes past the hour and total silence. The power had gone out.

I figured it be back on within the hour, so I took out my scrabble board and I played a game. I lost spectacularly, best score to date. About an hour or two later, the temperature in my place had shot up about ten degrees. I learned a lot about myself yesterday. I’m the most horrible person to be around during a power outage.  I panic like a claustrophobic who finds himself stuck in an elevator for more than a few minutes.

By about 11 PM, I decided it was time for some air. I sat at the top of the stairs outside my door, and looked up at the sky, to pass the time I counted palm trees, and when that failed to amuse me even stars were counted. I looked for the moon and even it decided not to grace me with it’s light. Then it dawned on me, last night was the first night I actually sat on those stairs, waiting for something.

My about half past midnight, I had one of those talks with myself. The world was not over, I was fine, and for a moment I pictured, I was simply stuck in a pre Thomas A. Edison time period. Minus the candles. I felt foolish, making such a fuss. I was foolish, I see that now.

For it was not until this moment that I realized, that while I sat in a hot apartment in total darkness. Dark things were happening, somewhere out there. I read the Yahoo headlines, but unlike, most times, I just skimmed the facts: Shooting, lots of victims. It’s not that I brushed it off, it just simply hit me… As bad as yesterday could have been for me, others had it much worse. Which is not to say my on issues were not pressing, but somehow I realize, that we should try to make the best of a bad situation. Accept the things that you can’t change, work on the things you can and be wise enough to know the difference.

The Turn Around…

Dear Reader,

I don’t even know how to begin this, but the last four days have been wonderful.  Ever have those mornings where you have a dream that is gibberish, but the more you think of it, it resembles other less confusing ones.  I woke up that way four days ago. Feeling like I wanted to scream and cry, but also like I was on the verge of of the greatest joy ever.

Then, it happened it finally dawned on me why I was so happy, and it only took three little words.

So if you are wondering where I been the past four days, or so, I been in Happyland. Do not worry I’m not on drugs or anything of the similar. I’m just really happy. All this joy had me thinking of something just now. You never really know how happy you are unless you’ve cried, well considering I’ve done plenty of that in my lifetime; I can tell you all the tears are worth, moments like these.

My parents always told me things happen for a very good reason. Now I know the reason, is to make you stronger, and appreciative of the little moments and the people that make up your life. So to all the people in my life yesterday, today and tomorrow. You all mean more to me than I can put into words. Whether you know it or not, your presence adds light, joy and wonder in my life.

Thank you.

Speeding…

Dear Reader,

I think today’s subject is self explanatory, so the need for a big intro is not required.  You might think, as you continue on reading that this is a cry in defense of the receiver of the speeding ticket seen around the world. You would be wrong!

Just now, I heard the 911 call that an over rated, overly hyped singer placed to the 911 service. It’s amazing how the media tries to tag it as a dramatic call. When it was nothing like it, he sounds as cool as a cucumber. Like someone reading a script on how to make pasta. Scared? Hardly, more like annoyed and entitled.  He of course got a ticket, which all his money and his fame will get him out of no doubt. That is the way it is for celebrities. You would think, he would just throw money at it right away as soon as he got it, but after that, he calls 911 again to whine about it. Although all his fans would call it, “explaining himself”.

911 is a national emergency service. So unless your life is in any real danger leave those three numbers for… I don’t know a real emergency. I highly doubt, bitching about a ticket is a real emergency. Granted a high speed chase could be an emergency but not for the celebrity in this case but for all the unfortunate souls who happen to share the road.  All that recklessness could actually kill someone someday. I know celebrities are people too, but seeing how they get away pretty much anything I don’t feel sorry for them nor do I think there should be a crusade against the photo snapping happys out there.

In my book if your famous enough to have every breath you take be documented in some way whether you like it or not, then odds are you make enough money to hire an entourage; complete with driver, body guards and enough cars between you and the reckless and stupid, to avoid making it dangerous for the rest of us.

I can almost hear the roars of “… but they have a right to privacy too…” let’s not forget celebrities make millions more than the average guy, but those millions are not free they come with the price, and I don’t see any of them quitting their day job. So I guess, that’s a price their a willing to pay. Of course, I would hope that they wouldn’t waste our tax paying dollars pretending they actually believe that.

The Return…

Dear Reader,

Ever have something very dear to you return? Picture this, I was still in high school maybe before then. My mother had a custom necklace made for me. It’s not gold nor valuable for that matter, it’s made of string and has a round stone at the bottom that looks like a brown eye. It’s really cool. Well when I went swimming with my mother to my aunt’s house. I took it off as to not damage it in the hot water.

Then the swim was over, and I forgot it.  She kept it, and for one reason or another always forgot she had it.  About 12+ years later, yesterday, I went over to her house, and there it was as new as if I had just taken it off. She returned it to me. It’s my favorite of all time things. It’s very special, I cannot figure out why, but ever since I lost it, it was like a part of me was not there.  When it was returned to me it was like a long, long journey finally came full circle.

It made me wonder about the things we lose, be it stuff, or friendships or connections with that special someone. Will they ever come back?

Yesterday, I had my memories rush back into my mind like a flood.  I went to Wal-Mart. I was looking for a dry erase board so my aunt found someone to help us, which being the fourth of July it was difficult. Finally near the electronic department, there was a man. When I finally caught up with her, and I saw him, a huge smile spread across my face, and the look of wonder of sorts, was there too. This man, looked like someone I know. I half expected him to reply with an English accent. He finally guided me in the right direction. Then as we were checking out, I saw something quite beautiful. Here it is:

mjcanAnyway, there you have it, I had to get one, as it turns out I occasionally drink Pepsi, but this time coupled with the person I just seen, it reminded me of someone. Then I smiled, I came home looked at the moon for a while sent it all my good thoughts and all in all it was a good day.

Visuals…

Dear Reader,

Good morning to you. I have been a awake for about an hour and thinking of cooking something soon.

Today for the first time in a while I decided to change my desktop wallpaper. I’m running Windows 7, so I get the bonus of wallpaper that changes at a set time.  I decided to make it happy images of nature. I needed it, I have had Thomas Kinkade on for months before his passing.  Some how those idyllic paintings of his, seemed to bring about sorrow and feelings of sadness.  It was time for a change.

I’m a visual person, that is not to say that I’m shallow and I care only about outward appearances. Far from it, you can be the most beautiful person and your soul can be dark and rotten to the core.  Make you an ugly person that would as Yoda would say. My visuals when it comes to technology must be reflecting of the mood I find myself in. Right now I’m not exactly jumping for joy, but I’m trying to rise from the ashes that were left of me a while ago.  Considering I don’t take medication and have yet to see a professional I’m doing okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I think psychologist are one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind, but I find the best person to understand me, is me. The stepping stones of my journey I lay out just so, surrounded by as much poetic beauty as I can find, magic of soul, faith in whatever holds me at the time, and belief in my dreams, which are undoubtedly a reflection of my soul.

Smiles will come my way soon. I hope. So note to self smile! I know telling someone who has fallen apart, to just smile though your heart is aching is easier said than done. However, once achieved is like God has stood right next to you and summoned a cheering squad.

On a final note, being that I’m awake, this early, I had a change to glance at the moon and it’s looking absolutely gorgeous!  I know, things like that most of you might see on the drive home one night. However, really, really look at it from time to time. You will find it different somehow. Every once in a while, I’d like to think it carries my thoughts with it.

Remember life is extremely difficult, if it were easy time would seem to stand still and we be the less wiser for it. I prefer to look at it as there is always a light at the end of the long rode home, where ever that maybe.

Beautiful…

Dear Reader,

Maybe it’s the fact that my days have begun to run together that lately I just don’t feel beautiful.  I usually have this need to pin point when things change in my life, a few days ago something very seemingly ordinary made me really happy. Of course, it was like spring had sprung, and the yellow birds were singing in the distance. Then I woke up, I was not dreaming, I was fully awake, but just as quick as it came it was gone, and silence took it’s place.

So today, while trying on a pretty dress, and messing with my hair some. A question came to mind; When was the last time you felt beautiful or handsome which ever applies?  I know we are all beautiful on the inside, but outward wise, when was the last time anyone felt attractive?

I can tell you, in my case, it’s been a while.  Today I caught a glimpse of me in the mirror and I thought, not bad for 30. I didn’t however, break into song in dance of “I feel pretty oh so pretty”. I will leave that to West Side Story’s Maria.  I don’t think I feel that beautiful just yet.

I spend most of the time in jeans and t-shirts, that’s me.  I guess I focus more attention in living inside my thoughts, sometimes smiling at the memories that come to my mind and at others wishing I could have skipped over a day.

Someone commented that my dream of a few nights ago, might be do to an upswing in things, well that is not all that was mentioned, but I believe is the only part of it that fits me. Considering, I was so happy a few days ago. Then yey.  I’m okay now, just bored! Thinking of taking a nap soon. The silence is getting louder and louder.  Yes, not much goes on around here as usual, but who knows, maybe this point in my life is like the waiting room of an airport. Soon I’m sure my time will come and I will fly into the stars, or in a less poetic fashion have more going on. You never know. Dream! Dare to dream, dare to believe in magic.

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