Monthly Archives: June 2012

Moonlight Dream…

Dear Reader,

I woke up this morning having had probably the shortest dream I can remember. It was simply an image one of those times in my life I wish I could draw. It was beautiful peaceful and all around poetic.

I did my best to capture it here. Oh yes, when one can’t draw there is always Photoshop. Technology rules! What does it mean? I’m not sure, I will research that, though.

 dreamThat was it more or less. I don’t dream beauty much these days, so I thought it would be one worth remembering.  I will keep you post it if I ever find out what it means.  Yes, in my dream the moon did have the chess pieces, I wonder if I should start learning to play chess :), nah, not seriously anyway, since most chess players become quite rude, that is I have not met any that are all joy. Wish me luck,

Things rarely make me happy but in the past day or so, I been pretty up beat, could it be a good sign of greater things to come? I do hope so!

Cheers world, remember smile, sometimes it’s difficult, but joy is infectious, and can make you happy as well as others very happy.

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Questionnaire…

Dear Reader,

Upon watching an Episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio with the cast of Family Guy, I decided to find the questions that inspired those asked in the show, and I found that they are based somewhat on three questionnaires. I have combined all three and here are my answers if you are interested. I added an extra question to balance it out 😉

  1. What is your favorite word?
    Smorgasbord
  2. What is your least favorite word?
    Sportscenter
  3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
    Creatively: Photoshop, Spiritually: God, Emotionally: Music
  4. What turns you off?
    Defamation of character
  5. What is your favorite curse word?
    Danm it all to hell
  6. What sound or noise do you love?
    Michael Jackson’s voice
  7. What sound or noise do you hate?
    My phone going off when I’m sleeping
  8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
    United States Postal Service Mail Delivery
  9. What profession would you not like to attempt?
    Any profession dealing with Death-row
  10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
    Thank you for your honesty and not kissing my ass. Welcome home kid
  11. What is your favorite drug?
    Music
  12. Who would you like to see on a new banknote?
    William Jefferson Clinton
  13. If you were reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?
    If a plant: a white rose if an animal: a cat
  14. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
    The loss of one’s soul mate
  15. Where would you like to live?
    A place that resembles a Thomas Kinkade painting
  16. What is your idea of earthly happiness?
    Finding love, friendship, and fulfillment
  17. To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
    Stubbornness, anger and jealousy
  18. Who are your favorite fictional heroes?
    Harry Potter, Sheldon Cooper, Richard Castle, Stewie Griffin, Patrick Jane, and Gregory House
  19. Who are your heroes in real life?
    My father, Michael Jackson, Ian Chase, J.B. and C.
  20. Who are your favorite fictional heroines?
    Elizabeth Bennett, Danielle de Barbarac, Kate Becket, Hermione Granger
  21. Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
    My mother, Princess Diana, and Anne Frank
  22. Who are you favorite heroes of history?
    Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln,
  23. Who are your favorite heroines of history?
    Joan of Arc and Hellen Keller
  24. Who is your favorite painter?
    Thomas Kinkade
  25. Who is your favorite musician?
    Michael Jackson
  26. What quality do you most admire in a man?
    Integrity
  27. What quality do you most admire in a woman?
    Beauty of Soul
  28. What is your favorite virtue?
    Honesty
  29. What is your favorite occupation?
    Anything in the technology field
  30. Who would you have liked to be?
    A much wiser and more decisive version of me
  31. What is your most marked characteristic?
    Speaking my mind, saying what I think and what I feel, regardless of how it will be received
  32. What do you value most in your friends?
    Unquestionable loyalty
  33. What is your principal defect?
    Over reacting
  34. What is your dream of happiness?
    Walking hand in hand with my soul mate
  35. What to your mind would be the greatest misfortune?
    Never getting another chance to right the wrongs in my life
  36. What would you like to be?
    Someone worth remembering after I am gone
  37. In what country would you like to live?
    The place matters not as much as the company kept in it.
  38. What is your favorite color?
    Black
  39. What is your favorite flower?
    White Rose
  40. What is your favorite bird?
    Yellow Birds
  41. Who are your favorite prose writers?
    Edgar Allan Poe, William Shakespeare, Jane Austin, J.K. Rowling, and Anne Frank
  42. Who are your favorite poets?
    Edgar Allan Poe, Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost,
  43. Who are your favorite composers?
    Mozart, Vivaldi, Chopin, and Tchaikovsky
  44. What are your favorite names?
    Edward, Jonathan, Ethan and Ian
  45. What do you most dislike?
    A person’s ability to destroy another human being
  46. What historical figures do you most despise?
    Hitler Stalin, and Bin Laden
  47. What event in military history do you most admire?
    D-Day – June 6, 1944
  48. What reform do you most admire?
    A woman’s right to vote
  49. What natural gift would you most like to possess?
    Drawing things exactly as I see them, in my mind’s eye
  50. How would you like to die?
    We all die everyday sometimes more than others, so the way matters not as much as being able to die, and wanting to.
  51. What is your present state of mind?
    State of mind is defined as a current physiological state. So I guess mine is Hopeful
  52. What is your motto?
    Live and let die

Drafts…

Dear Reader,

Ever have those emails or posts, in which you pour out your soul and say all the things that need be said?  Oh, I have so many, I cannot tell you how many times, I’ve written something and never sent it. The letters never sent.  That is what I call the pile, everyone has them I’m sure.  It is the things we don’t say that show us an in dept picture of whom we are on the inside.  How often I’ve sent messages and afterward reflect, that maybe I could have worded it better.  Then I get to thinking… had I wrote it this way instead of that way, would it had gotten a reply or a positive/negative reaction?  It is not that I dwell on stuff. I try not to, but then you can’t help but think about things like that.

In case the curiosity got to you, I will tell you the reason I never sent those letters; for one, the ones meant form a certain someone, might have fallen on deaf ears.  The others, were meant for a place that has no address, or place, Heaven.  Surprised? Don’t be. After a time I delete those missives. In them I cry, I laugh, and scream from time to time. That is only when a good song can’t cure the mood or add to the greatness of it.

That is not to say that I’m speechless most of the time. Far from it, I can talk anyone’s ear off. My family can attest to that, if Martin were here he could attest to that to.  He was the first to bring it to my attention. It was okay then as it is now, as he used to tell me, “girlie you lucked out, because I have a PhD in listening and patience. :).  Sometimes I take a chance and say what’s on my mind, then I just hope, that when I do, it’s a happy thing and it’s well received and believed.  When I’m angry, then just hold on because unlike hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, I’d say hell hath no fury like yours truly when she’s mad.

So in closing, whether you write it down, or say it out loud, find some way to share the joys and sorrows of your life with that special someone it makes the load of life easier to bear.

 

About Me…

Dear Reader,

With the increase of social media outlets and places that require a sort of profile, we are unavoidably presented with the About Me section. In some places is short and sweet and with a 164 character limit, in others like UK Pals, is more of a give me your best ten lines about you. Either way it’s worded you are stuck trying to describe yourself and the kind of person that you are.

That question has been hunting me the last couple of days, because up until now, I’ve always said, “get to know me and you decide”.  That had worked well to a point. Then recent events in my life taught me a very important lesson. Be who I am, and defend that image with all I have.

About a month ago, out of selfishness and in part because my feelings were so hurt, almost beyond repair, I allowed a woman to paint the picture of whom she thought I was, instead of fighting that horrid description, I went along with it, and furthered that image to the bitter end.  In the process, a very special person in my life, left thinking less than highly of me I’m sure.

In the end, it got me thinking. Who am I really?  I am a real person that’s for damn sure. I bleed red just like everyone else, and like everyone I err; not a stellar human quality but no one is perfect. I believe in chances, in opportunities of redemption. I believe in love, (yes even the fairytale love that you read in romance novels).  I loved very few people in my life and each and every one in their own unique way. I’ve met people and shared their lives with them. Best of all, I believe in soul-mates. I believe there are those people in this world right now, that are meant to find each other whether near or far, and share their lives in some way. Those people you love in a very unique way. I hold fast to my friends like I hold to my dreams. (though at the moment I seem to be one short :() I am also a little stubborn (my dad tells me that all the time). I am a huge Michael Jackson fan. I love! drinking Coca-Cola, though sometimes I been known to drink Pepsi ;), I can’t help it, brings back good memories. Few things scare me, but no matter how old I get there has been three fears that have still hung around. The first one, is my fear of plunging things into a light socket. Mom says, it’s because when I was a little girl, I had very little touch sensitivity, so she caught me trying to fit a metal wire in a light socket and was shocked that I had no reaction to the apparent electrical shock. (She hid the light sockets from me from that day on :d). Another thing that scares me is feeling empty and alone. It’s true that you can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel the deepest coldest loneliness ever. Lastly in a little less of a poetic fashion, I’m terribly scared of earthquakes, we had one recently and it scared me more than I would like to admit. My life ambition is to make a positive change in this world.  My friend Martin used to say before he died, that I”d already done that, thus I could die a happy woman. That’s who I am.

Billie Jean…

Dear Reader,

Picture this, I was only maybe seven years old. I walk into a living room. The first thing I see is a man with a sparkly black jacket and a shirt, cool high water pants white socks, black shoes and moves to match. Then the most magical thing happened, he moon walked.  I know MJ didn’t invent the moonwalk but he sure made it look good. I vowed to learn to speak English so that I may understand the words that were sung by the most beautiful voice I heard to this day.

The song was Billie Jean, the setting Motown 25. I didn’t know it at the time, but that all was happening on television when I was only a few months old. Yet thanks to reruns MTV was showing it once more. There I was, right time, right place and in time to witness the magic that was, is, and will continue to be Michael Jackson.

Even when I could not understand his words, his voice was always there in the best of times and also in the worst of times, reminding me to “Keep the Faith”, to look at the “Man in the Mirror”; and in  2009, I was reminded that “this life don’t last forever”.

It is difficult to explain to those who have hated him and marginalized him, for things, not a single one of them was there to witness; why MJ is still to this day mourned and celebrated and remembered. Three years ago today, the world cried at the same time, asking themselves why, as though we all expected Michael to live forever. I was one of those many. The emptiness his sudden departure left cannot be put into words.

I will miss you for the rest of my life. Thank you, for being my inspiration, strength, and my faith that the world can truly be a better place.

I made this video back in 2006. Now is holds a far deeper meaning than it did then. Like all his fans, I too wish I had One More Chance at far more than love.

Long Live Michael Jackson…

 

You will never know…

Dear Reader,

We usually hear the words, “You will never know until you try”,  from our parents when we are young; and it usually involves learning to ride a bike or doing anything of the similar fashion.  As we age, however, we learn to apply them to many things.

The last time I remember hearing those words from my mother was when she had the bright idea (I’m not being sarcastic here) of me joining an Automated Office Skills Class. Which was basically a class on how to use a typewriter, a computer and pretty much learn the skills for an entry level office position. Of course, I refused since I never intended to use a computer nor had I been successful in my three previous attempts to try and learn to type? Keep in mind learning touch typing was a requirement for passing the class. She then gave me those wise words, to which I could have replied, “but mom, I did try, three times!” of course being my mother, she would have probably said, “I know honey, but you didn’t try this one!  Okay so she would have said something more along the lines of “do it or else!” regardles, we can agree like Burger King she would have it her way. Thus I tried and thanks to those building blocks, here I am!

Today I took a very scary? (yes, I am still wondering if scary is the right word to use there) step forward.  I’ve made contact with my best friend, whom I have not talked to in over a month now. Which does not seem like a long time but in this day and age, where information flies at (words per minute + motor skills / internet speed) in can feel like light years. Plus, I’ve been thinking a lot about what he’s been up to and such. Granted his blog keeps me informed, but it’s not the same, as those mornings looking forward to reading about his daily life.

I guess scary part of it, is the uncertainty of not knowing if I just spent a whole two weeks, wondering if I should write or not, only to end up writing to the air, that is if there is no reply. Then if there is will it be even worse than the final email? Or will, it be the beginning of a fresh new start?  Well, as Jeremy Lin put it once at the height of his notoriety, “Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst”. Either way, I guess we shall know eventually.

Happy Birthday to Mom…

Dear Reader,

Today is a very special day, my mom’s birthday her age, will remain a mystery, but lets just say it’s a milestone.  I’m so happy to be blessed with sharing one more year of her life with her.  She is the most special person you will ever have the honor and blessing to meet. I know we all say that about our parents, but to me it rings true.

She has been through hell and back more times than I care to count and still remains smiling and seeing the good in ever single thing. Today was a bittersweet birthday because my father was not there.  So we visited him a bit, but all in all I think she was happy to have all her kids with her.

Today, was a milestone for her in more ways than one. All her kids are grown and on their path.  Looking at it all from the outside I think she has done an outstanding job.  She helped us through our trials and tribulations, held our puzzle pieces together through our doubts and frustrations, she was there.

My mother is my rock and the person I wish to be like everyday of my life. In celebration of this grandiose day, I dedicate to her a song:

I love you mom, thank you for keeping my head up to the sky.

Juneteenth…

Dear Reader,

It is no doubt that the 19th is a very good day for a lot of people not just me.  Today is Juneteenth, a holiday celebrating the freedoms of black Americans.  Yey for them!

Today is suppose to be a day of reflection and rejoicing so says the site, dedicated to that holiday.  I’ve done plenty of reflection myself and still continue to do on a day to day basis so I guess you can say I have all the reflecting down to a science.  The rejoicing part… Well that is going to be difficult as the past few months have left little to rejoice about.

Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday, so I guess I better start hopping on the joy train soon. This month I have three birthdays in a one week, lucky me. I guess, I will finally bake that cake after all. Wish me luck.

While in one of those moments of semi deep thought, something did cross my mind today. “If you could trade places with any regular everyday person would you?”  I have no idea why that question came to mind.  Maybe, I would, not so much to live their life, but so that they could live mine.  Having read that you would think I’m misunderstood, however, the premise of this would be, so that whomever be in my place, could give me some insight, show me something about me that is new, or perhaps something I fail to see.

In all of this randomness, I will tell you the dream I had last night.  I was in an office building, one I never visited before, seemed foreign.  It was around Christmas because the office people were looking at catalogs trying to find the most beautiful fiber optics tree, once they picked it out it just appeared on the desk. I was so happy to see it, and as it has happened in most recent dreams, I was apparently waiting for someone, and as is my luck Nolan woke me up just as the person appeared.

To the hospital…

Dear Reader,

Yesterday as you may or may not know was Father’s Day.  I was planning to go home to my parents for a visit and of course, I also had planned to bake a cake.  For some reason the cake idea never got off the ground.  I did see my mother though, and my brother too.  However, it was not in as happy a circumstance as I figured.  My father is in the hospital, he has been there since Saturday night. He has… actually I’m not quite sure what he has, I do know, it’s not looking good as he has been unable to come back home; and won’t be home for another week or so. Point being, it’s not quite as cheery visiting one’s parents in the hospital.  He looked happy though, which is odd for being in a hospital room. None the less if you can smile the place matters not as much as the company in it.

I was thinking if I should be falling apart about now, but if I’m thinking about it, then I’m sure I can keep in one piece.  It’s amazing how much things change in a day to day basis.

We are almost half way done with this year and already I seen and lived through enough gray days to last me a lifetime. Year of  the Dragon after all, they are never easy.

This song always brings a smile to my face, regardless how many shades of gray I see, the sun shines eventually.

Just Cry…

Dear Reader,

Maybe it’s the girlie things, or the lack of sleep or a myriad of other things, but today I just feel like crying. I am not a person of many friends, thus in the myriad of things keeping me down is the feeling of how very much I miss my very best bud.

I been thinking a lot about things in my life.  I was asking myself. Do you have any regrets?  I thought about all my happy moments my sad moments and came to only one conclusion. At the time is easiest to blame someone else, to say, she done it or he done it; of course is a compliment when he or she was responsible for your smiles that light in your life, that thing that made even the ugliest day look beautiful. Insulting when he or she was responsible for your tears your sorrow and you dive into the deepest form of hell there is.  Of course! Then I thought of what Amado Nervo wrote in a poem titled “En Paz” “… I was the architect of my destiny…” So truth be told while in the recent history of my life I have only one major regret. It was no one’s fault but mine and mine alone.  Same goes for all the good and the bad in my life.  Sometimes I do wish that life was like Quantum Leap where someone leaps into your life and fixes your mistakes. Sadly though this is reality, I been living it, it’s both ugly and dark as well as beautiful. It can’t all be a Kinkade painting after all.

People don’t kill you with as little as four words, nor do they cut your wings and plant you like a Sequoya tree firmly on the ground, nor do they wake you up to reality like the Matrix, just for kicks. If you think about it, you are the architect of that too. Like Newton laws of motion say, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”. Opposite being the keyword here.

Life full of ifs, what if I had said this instead of that, what if I had gone here instead of there.  Like Robert Frost, you will always wonder about the road not taken.

I don’t want to end in such a solemn note. Come on CC girl, happy thoughts! *searches her brain cells for a happy thought* I got one “Response Program”. Of course you have no idea what that means, but it brought a smile to my face that is all that matters. Thank God for good memories, they make difficult days easier.

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