Grudges…

Dear Reader…

I am not one to hold a grudge not for long anyway, because it’s both not healthy and pardon the pun a royal waste of time; however, sometime ago maybe a year or so I met a person hell bent on achieving a goal set long before I ever crossed paths, and in very recent weeks this person tested my resolve.

Over a quite long period of time, I got a first class ticket in the roller coaster of hell, so as any normal human with a back bone, I was or so I thought hell bent on revenge, but something about it made drag my feet and take my time, maybe that should have been my first clue it’s not for me to pass judgment. Lesson learned.

The dreaded day came and after a few expletives the final coup de gras was delivered and I was not on the delivery end I’m sad to say, but on the receiving end, and not because I was the weakest link, but by choice. Let me explain, the way I figured, I’ve never met in my life a person with more determination, so I could go about it two ways, I could keep fighting for probably the rest of my life, and have moments of misery in the process or I can just get out of the way, and move on. Granted there are more graceful ways to get out of the way, but a friendships like the one I lost, don’t sit idle by and let the villain win.

So the decision a most difficult one I assure you was made. I set out to destroy my own image, leave nothing of the person that I am and if you will turn myself into the villain of the story.  It worked, the villain became he good guy and vice-versa, I could now move on with what little dignity, self respect I had left.

Oh how saintly of me you must be thinking. I did it not out of martyrdom or sacrifice for the greater good, oh no, I can be selfish too. So I guess it was driven by a bit of selfishness on my part, I did not want to be consumed by this person’s hate, and I certainly didn’t look forward to having this person be my shadow for the rest of my life. Hate is viral, and infectious and destructive, I didn’t want to become part of who I am, I’m not that stubborn.

So do I hold a grudge? Certainly not, the reason is quite simple, any relationship no matter the dynamic, whether it be friendship/love or DNA cannot be founded on, the pain and suffering of others, it simply does not survive. This person as I predicted contacted me about a 3 days ago, why is anyone’s guess, my evil side would say to “rub my face in it” however my good side wants to believe, it was simply to thank me.

  • May 16 4:03 PM
    Person X:Things got kind of messed up but Xxx did say you helped him out and he’s agreed to meet. So thanks. I promised not to use this account anymore so you won’t be hearing from me again, your probably pleased I imagine. I’m sorry, for what it’s worth.
  • May 16 4:07 PM
    Me:You are welcome. Now please go away.

I’m not going to lie, part of me wanted to go on and say more than that, explain that I hope this second chance if you will is not wasted. Yes, part of me also thinks that even if I had revealed my plan and reasons for it, no one need ever know.  That is not because I fail to see the apparent good side, but because once just this month I gave a choice, “you can either come clean fully and honestly or you can roll me under the bus”. Needless to say, I was rolled and re rolled under a double decker. In the end I know I will be okay, yes I lost the best friend I will probably ever have, and our friendship was probably worth going to hell and back for, however, forgive me if this time is me who throws in the towel.

Do I believe, that I won’t be hearing from this person again? Maybe I won’t but the next person who ends up where I used to be if things don’t work out certainly will.  Here is hoping that their first meet today on this 19th day was worth the paramount loss on my part.

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About claoclao

I am another soul that came into this world alone and shall inevitably leave said world the same way. It is not the beginning or the end of my life that matters, only the middle.

Posted on May 19, 2012, in Journal and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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